Jokes from my trashbin

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Pashley

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #795 on: January 29, 2010, 04:57:10 PM »
One of the ways I can tell I am getting older is when I'm in a restaurant and a waitress goes by with someone's meal. My head still turns and my eyes still light up, but now sometimes I am looking at the food.
Who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #796 on: January 29, 2010, 05:47:22 PM »
Life is so unfair.
There was a time when a passing young lady might catch my eye and smile at me. Then I would stop and think, "I could try, but I can't risk what that would do to my marrige"
Then there was a time when a passing young lady might catch my eye and I would think, "I could try Viagara, but I can't risk what it would do to my heart medication"

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harry_aus

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #797 on: January 29, 2010, 08:11:22 PM »
The way I've recognized I've got older is that now,
policemen all look so young and less-intimidating to me.

The Three Ages of Man:
    - tri-weekly
    - try weekly, and
    - try weakly.

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AMonk

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #798 on: January 30, 2010, 01:32:08 AM »
The final lines of a favourite (old) poem....



"What used to be my Pride & Joy 
 agagagagag

Is now my Waterspout!"
 ananananan
Moderation....in most things...

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old34

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #799 on: January 30, 2010, 04:03:12 AM »

"What used to be my Pride & Joy 
 agagagagag

Is now my Waterspout!"
 ananananan


Still Life: Johnson's Pride and Proctor's Joy

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad. - B. O'Driscoll.
TIC is knowing that, in China, your fruit salad WILL come with cherry tomatoes AND all slathered in mayo. - old34.

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Lotus Eater

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #800 on: January 30, 2010, 04:41:47 AM »
Probably gets more accolades!

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #801 on: January 30, 2010, 04:46:42 AM »
LE, you're not getting older, you're just getting polished. More refined, genteel and lady-like.

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Lotus Eater

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #802 on: January 30, 2010, 04:47:37 AM »
Smoother you mean??  I'll accept that!   afafafafaf afafafafaf


A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the ringer, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
 
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 mobile phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, Where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
And exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the ringer.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then the ringer says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackaroo.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.'

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Lotus Eater

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #803 on: February 01, 2010, 03:50:38 PM »
 Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

1.Kidnappers are not very interested in You.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3.No one expects you to run --Anywhere.

4. People call at 9PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5.People no longer view you as a Hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard Way.

7.Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4PM.
9.You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13.You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate Meteorologists than the national weather service.

17.Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19.You can't remember who sent you this list.

ONE MORE THING:

Never,under any circumstances,take a sleeping pill,anda laxative on the same night!

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Stil

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #804 on: February 01, 2010, 03:57:01 PM »
Americans are in trouble...
 
The population of this country is 300 million.
 
160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work. 

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. 

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. 

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #805 on: February 13, 2010, 03:18:03 PM »
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool!

She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Alabama and I worked both sides of the Tennessee River."
For you to insult me, first I must value your opinion

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #806 on: February 27, 2010, 10:55:40 PM »
I was in Laos over break and the place is rapidly filling up with Chinese. One of the other teachers at my school was also down there and a local Lao told her this one:

There are 4 friends: one guy from the USA, another from Japan, another guy from China, and a guy from Laos.  For a holiday, they all decide to travel out to Laos-- to enjoy the food the sunshine and the BeerLao.  After a full day of traveling round the countryside, they stop beside the Mekong at a little bar to grab a drink.  They drink and drink.  They eat and eat.  Bottles and bottles of BeerLao and laolao begin to pile up.  And then the four men get to talking.  And get to boasting.

The American rubs his belly and says: America is the best!  We have anything we want!  He takes out his Ipod, shows it to everyone, then (with surprising power compared to his rotund gut) throws it right into the river.  Look how I don't care!, he says.  My country is full of them, I can just get another.

Then, the Japanese guy's cell phone starts ringing.  In a drunken flury, he stands up and flings it into the Mekong.  Look!, he says laughing.  I don't care!  My country is full of them, I can just get another.

The Chinese guy (wanting to be on par with the others, of course) looks around.  Spotting his motorbike, he runs over to it.  He drives it around and around the little bar yelling and laughing, then lets it crash right into the river.  I don't care! he cries.  My country is full of them, I can just get another.

Now it's the Lao guy's turn.  He looks to the right.  He looks to the left.  He stands up, thinking to himself.  He walks around the table, slowly, thinking.  Then he suddenly grabs the Chinese guy, and throws him into the Mekong River.  Look! the Lao guy cries.  I don't care!  My country is full of them, I can just get another!

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Pashley

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #807 on: February 27, 2010, 11:31:19 PM »
I may hold some sort of record for walking face-first into a well-deserved comeback. There's a joke you can tell about the women of any ethnic group. At a party, somewhat drunk, I told it about the local lasses.

"How do you stop a Canadian girl from screwing?"
"Marry her."

My Canadian wife was nearby, turned around and said, "No. That just stops her screwing you."
Who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #808 on: February 28, 2010, 01:42:46 PM »
"How do you stop a Canadian girl from screwing?"
"Marry her."

My Canadian wife was nearby, turned around and said, "No. That just stops her screwing you."


Nice!

That's like; what's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut will f@ck anyone, but a bitch will f@ck anyone but you!
For you to insult me, first I must value your opinion

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Pashley

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #809 on: March 10, 2010, 01:00:02 PM »
From an email today:

The newspaper, "The Australian," over a period of weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn. This was the winner:

Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar. One
asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"

"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"
Who put a stop payment on my reality check?