Jokes from my trashbin

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old34

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #705 on: October 25, 2009, 04:51:06 AM »
You are very clever with words, quite the cunning linguist

No. I just know a lot of words.

As for cunning linguists, most focus on the liquids and glides; it's the fricatives that are key, IMHO.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad. - B. O'Driscoll.
TIC is knowing that, in China, your fruit salad WILL come with cherry tomatoes AND all slathered in mayo. - old34.

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AMonk

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #706 on: October 25, 2009, 06:15:16 AM »
Well, for a priest in a small parish with no car, it's not bad.


 cbcbcbcbcb cbcbcbcbcb bkbkbkbkbk bkbkbkbkbk axaxaxaxax
Moderation....in most things...

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DaDan

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #707 on: October 25, 2009, 10:07:02 AM »
One day a mother was out and a dad was in charge of a little girl.
she was maybe 3 years old, and someone had given her a little
'tea set' as a gift. It was one of her favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening
news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such
yummy tea, the Mom came home.
the Dad made her sit quietly in another room,
so she could watch the young daughter bring dad the
cup of tea, because I was so cute.

Mom waited, and sure enough, she came walking down the
hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
Mom watched dad drink from the tea cup.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know... 
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
me pappy sayd... 
Once ya get past the smell... ...:P ... `You got it licked...

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Bugalugs

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #708 on: October 27, 2009, 04:05:36 PM »
The Van Gogh's
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white - Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh

His magician uncle - Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin - Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother - Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wellsfar Gogh

The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt - Tan Gogh

The bird lover uncle - Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh

His Italian uncle - Day Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh
Good girls are made from sugar and spice, I am made from Vodka and ice

Do you have and ID Ten T error??

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #709 on: October 27, 2009, 05:26:51 PM »
I'd love to talk about this, but I don't have time and I'm leaving,

Signed me,

Imust Gogh
For you to insult me, first I must value your opinion

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #710 on: October 27, 2009, 07:47:36 PM »
A doctor, a lawyer, a engineer, and a priest were golfing.  The four-some in front of them were very very slow.  So they bitched to the course Marshall to get them sped up.

The Marshall said those are the blind firemen who rescued all the kids from the burning orphanage.  They golf once per week for free (since they cannot work any more and have no salaries).

"That's terrible" said the priest "I'll pray for them".

"That's terrible" said the lawyer "Maybe we can sue and get them some money"

"That's terrible" said the doctor "Maybe I know a doctor or surgeon who can get their eyesight back"

"That's terrible" said the engineer "Why don't they golf at night?"
"A ship in port is safe; but that is not what ships are built for."  Grace Hopper

"Procrastination: Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now." Larry Kersten

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AMonk

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #711 on: October 27, 2009, 10:54:21 PM »
"Why don't they golf at night?"

 bibibibibi Of course!! llllllllll axaxaxaxax axaxaxaxax


Moderation....in most things...

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Pashley

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #712 on: October 28, 2009, 01:35:54 AM »
A fellow is out at a bar, trying to pick up women half his age, without much success. C'est la vie. However, there's one lass who does seem interested. She's 40-odd, not quite what he had in mind but not unattractive either. After a few more beers, some cuddling and a few kisses, she's very attractive indeed.

She: Have you ever had the Sportsman's double?
He:  Dunno. What's that?
She: Mother and daughter on the same night.
He:  Nope, I've never done that.
She: Would you like to?
He:  Sure, sounds great.
She: Good. Let's head for my place.

There is more kissing and some fondling in the car; by the time they reach her place both of them are fairly excited.

As they come in, she yells up the stairs "Mom? You awake?" 
Who put a stop payment on my reality check?

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Bugalugs

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #713 on: October 28, 2009, 08:10:39 PM »
Sisters of Mercy
A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads..

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says..

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third..

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads..

SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves.

The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."
Good girls are made from sugar and spice, I am made from Vodka and ice

Do you have and ID Ten T error??

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #714 on: October 28, 2009, 09:49:41 PM »

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."




Any idea if this place is in China?  Maybe Shenzhen?  I have these memories .....
"A ship in port is safe; but that is not what ships are built for."  Grace Hopper

"Procrastination: Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now." Larry Kersten

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Bugalugs

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  • If we are what we eat, I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #715 on: October 29, 2009, 12:27:04 AM »
POLITICALLY CORRECT
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT


He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY

He is not a BAD DANCER - He is RHYTHMICALLY CAUCASIAN

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT


She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
Good girls are made from sugar and spice, I am made from Vodka and ice

Do you have and ID Ten T error??

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #716 on: October 29, 2009, 01:35:06 AM »
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?



A slut will fuck anybody, but a bitch will fuck anybody but YOU!
For you to insult me, first I must value your opinion

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Stil

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #717 on: October 30, 2009, 03:30:20 PM »
Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Walter:       
I hope you can help me here.  The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. 
I walked back home to get my husband's help.  When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.  He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.  I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.       
Can you please help?       
Sincerely,       
Mrs. Sheila Usk       


Dear Sheila:       
A  car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.       
I hope this helps.   

Walter

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #718 on: October 30, 2009, 05:31:15 PM »
What's the problem? Walter is right!
For you to insult me, first I must value your opinion

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Ruth

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #719 on: October 30, 2009, 06:15:00 PM »
What's the problem? Walter is right!
Said a MAN  bibibibibi
If you want to walk on water, you have to get out of the boat.