Jokes from my trashbin

A Kodak moment

You know you're Australian if.....

1. You know the meaning of the word 'girt'.

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin.

4. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

5. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

6. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'. (Or Melb'n.)

7. You believe the 'L' in the word 'Australia' is optional.

8. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'

9. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

10. You call your best friend 'a total ba$tard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a ba$tard'.

11. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

12. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

13. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

14. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

15. You believe that cooled-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread.

16. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

17. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'.

18. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

19. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

20. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'.

21. You wear ugg boots outside the house.

22. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

23. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.

24. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

25. You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'.

26. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

27. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

28. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

29. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

30. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

31. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

32. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

Uh, I, scored really, really high on this test.

I only missed Kylie because I'm too young to have seen her on Neighbours.

Yeah, I missed that one too, Schnerbs. I don't think of Kylie!

You know you're Australian if.....

1. You know the meaning of the word 'girt'....
5. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds....
20. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'....
23. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite....
26. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle....
29. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'....
31. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

I get these ones.  Does that make me "part-Ozzie", or "just another British colonial"?

Colonial. 

Although it's just as likely a Bermudan (is that the right word?) will know the second verse of the Australian anthem as the Average Aussie.

And yes, I do know it. We sang both verses every Monday at school. 

Why did they make you sing "Dancing Matilda" at school every Monday?   

An Australian knows that the National Anthem isn't Waltzing Matilda because we know all the words of it, unlike the real National Anthem.  I learnt the words to the second verse while teaching at a school that sang both verses once a week at assembly.

the National Anthem isn't Waltzing Matilda？

My bad 

Blimey, can you imagine what the poor Chinese would do if, every time I was asked to teach them a song, I taught them Advance Australia Fair?  Waltzing Matilda is a so much better song to teach them!  (And the only other song I know all the way through is "What do you do with a drunken sailor?")

The national anthem? They'd have the same problem as most Aussie kids. What is 'girt?' 

Waltzing Matilda is a much better option. I'll take sheep rustling and suicide to escape the police over making this commonwealth of ours renowned amongst all the lands.

Much more fun, and definitely in keeping with our tradition of independence and wealth sharing, our distrust of authority and unearned 'aristocracy'!!  

And it is a much better song to teach students ... even if they do find it hard to understand at first

....... What is 'girt?' 

"Girt" is used as an adjective to indicate "an object of immense size", e.g. "China is a girt big country! "

Colonial. 

Although it's just as likely a Bermudan (is that the right word?) will know the second verse of the Australian anthem as the Average Aussie.

"Native" colonials from BDA are termed "Bermudian"

Girt" is used as an adjective to indicate "an object of immense size"

Nah! I think you mean "grate"...as in "China is a grate big country".
Girt is short for Girtrude.