Jokes from my trashbin

  I thought I posted this yesterday!!!

Ah, cyanide and happiness.

I like 

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the  2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the  world are asking.

Believe it or not these questions about Canada  were posted on an International Tourism Website.  Obviously the answers are a joke; but  the questions were really asked!
           
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV,  so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then  just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (  USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I  want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines)in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (  England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA  )
A: A-fri-ca is the big  triangle shaped continent south of Europe.  Ca-na-da is that big country to your North  ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo  racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary  Come naked.

Q: Which direction is  North in Canada ? ( USA  )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of  the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England  )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (  USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country  bordering Ger-man-y, which is....oh forget it.   Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, right after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q:  Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany  )
A: No, WE don't  stink.
           

Q: I have  developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Where can I  sell it in Canada ? ( USA  )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population?
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
           

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in  Canada ? ( USA  )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q:  Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name.  It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA  )
A: It's called a Moose.  They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them.  You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine  before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (  USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it  first.

Ruth, good to know that (stupid) ignorance is everywhere.  My job is SAFE


Con, you "forgot" to include the intro to this

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them......

.....25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

 

May I suggest either "You Know You Are An Adult When...." OR "You Know You Are OLD When...."

Just to go in a different direction



One day during an Arab-Israeli conflict, two opposing tanks were on maneuvers. They were both backing up on opposite sides of the same sand dune. They happened to hit each other.

Immediately, the Arab soldier climbed out with his hands up and said, "I surrender!"

At the same time, the Israeli soldier leaped out of his tank and screamed, "Whiplash”

Unwanted Ads:


Jewish Princess, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties . . .

Single woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

I am a caring, sensitive prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please

Male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

Inspriring Retiree

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Sclumberg is such a person.


VERY INSPIRING!
 

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

25 Best Country Songs Titles Of All Time
These are all genuine songs, mainly released in the United States (how surprising).

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye!
I Don't Know whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life,Then Number Two On You
I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run - So we're even
Mamma Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Getting' Better
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight,Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
I'm So Miserable Without You; It's like Having You Here
I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin'On My Back And Cryin' Over You
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Please Bypass This Heart
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
She's Lookin' Better After Every Beer
I Haven't Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few

She ain't pretty, she just looks that way
Margaritas make her clothes fall off

Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not Happy.

Quote from: Bugalugs on September 27, 2009, 06:03:32 AM

I Haven't Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few

The actual title of this song is "Ten With A Two." Willie Nelson sang it and it's hilarious.

There's a song by a Canadian band called Trooper, it's "She's Just a 3 Dressed up as a 9"

Or (I think) The Nortern Pikes' "Nobody Like You" (at the end, he says I've been with a bunch of women and they've all been nobody, like you) ouch!

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.  I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.  I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply sayin g "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"!
And that's when the fight started...


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.  The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's when the fight started....


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap.  That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car20as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's when the fight started...


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95.  Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face cream..
And that's when the fight started....


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started....


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started....

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started....

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:


HUSBAND WANTED:


MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!


ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.  He had no arms or legs.


The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you .. you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,


'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

 

Took me a second . . . 

The Facecloth

I was due for a smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.  Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?' I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.'