Jokes from my trashbin

Actual Medical Charts
- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

--Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

- The skin was moist and dry.

- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

- Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

- Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

- Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

- She is numb from her toes down.

- Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

- Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

- Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

- Patient was alert and unresponsive.

- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

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.

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Actual Medical Charts

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. 

PMSL at that one!!!

Here's one straight from my bud in Kentucky (they breed 'em weird there - that's me, only 'weird' friends allowed!! LOL!!)


>> While in China, Mike is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes in the morning to find his private covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified,Mike immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells Mike to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'
>>
>>
>> Mike looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
>>
>> The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate.'
>>
>> Mike screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
>>
>> The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
>>
>> The next day, Mike seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD Vely rare disease.'
>>
>> Mike says to the doctor:  'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate!' The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:
>>
>> 'Greedy Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!'
>>
>> 'Oh, Thank God!' Mike replies.
>>
>> 'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!
>>

PS: anyone watching "True Blood" on Youku..........  Eric got me hooked. He will pay.
 

PS: anyone watching "True Blood" on Youku..........  Eric got me hooked. He will pay.
 

The books are GREAT!!!  I most definitely recommend them.....and Charlaine Harris's other series (serieses?)

 

Quickie in the bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal cold winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
 

AND WHAT WERE YOU AFTER THINKING

I'D BE SENDING?   

Shame on you!!!

Sorry to bump this thread, but I got some funny jokes (requires a little knowledge of Chinese):

An English English teacher in China who is learning Chinese tells his Chinese friend, in Chinese, that she is beautiful (sorry if that was confusing). The friend blushes and says, "哪里哪里... (na3 li3 na3 li3)", and the teacher proceeds to point at her eyes and mouth, etc.

Explanation: 哪里 in Chinese is a modest reply which means "nah, not really, but I'm flattered all the same", but it literally means "where".

-----
In a Chinese classroom, in English class, the teacher asked for some translations and a pupil had the following replies:

How are you？ = 怎么是你？ (zen3 me shi4 ni3)
How old are you? = 怎么老是你？ (zen3 me lao3 shi4 ni3)

Explanation: The literal translations are correct
How = 怎么, old = 老, are = 是, you = 你

but 怎么是你? actually means "how is it you?" and 怎么老是你 means "how's it always you?", and those are usually used as insults!

"The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!' The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ******** in Washington DC."

            Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger
alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.'

            The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

            The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

            The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

            The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.

            Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he
drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

            The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

            'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at
the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt,
smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

            Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at
the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

            'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He
damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

            The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his
shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Global "Chinglish':


In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
 
Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
 
Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
 
Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
 
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
 
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
 
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
 
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
 
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .
 
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
 
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
 
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
 
Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
 
Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
 
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
 
A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
 
Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED  THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
 
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
 
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
 
A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

Pics???

 
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
 

...as Eric The Unready is about to discover........

One of my students (surnamed Durrant) asked me today if I knew his cousin, De'Oh.  Apparently the cousin (same last name as my student) hangs out at one of the local grocery stores, along with his best mate, Lo'Shun.

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

Ha! I still have #s 6 and 23