Jokes from my trashbin

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Bugalugs

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #90 on: June 03, 2007, 01:10:00 AM »
Mabel, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of town morals, accused GEORGE of being a drunk because his ute had been parked in front of the local pub all afternoon.

George said nothing, but that evening he parked his ute in front of Mabel's house and left it there all night.

 bpbpbpbpbp
Good girls are made from sugar and spice, I am made from Vodka and ice

Do you have and ID Ten T error??

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #91 on: June 06, 2007, 01:33:38 AM »
There was a woman who had a beloved duck for a pet. One day she went out to the barn and the beloved duck was not moving. She listened for a heartbeat and heard nothing and listened for a breath but felt and heard nothing so in sinking desperation she bundled up her beloved pet and drove to the veterinarian's hoping for the best, but fearing the worst.
 
When she arrived the veterinarian doctor looked at the duck, used his stethoscope and pronounced, "I'm sorry. Your duck is dead."
 
The lady, not wanting to truly believe this sad news about her beloved duck, said, "Doctor, are you sure, I mean aren't you going to do more than that? Can't you run some tests to be sure? Maybe he is just in a deep coma. Please, can't you do something more, just to be sure?"

So the doctor said, "Well, all right. I can do some more tests, if that is what you want."

"Please." said the lady.

So the doctor sent the lady to the end of the room and left. Pretty soon a labrador retreiver came in. The Lab came up to the dead duck's body and sniffed all around and sadly shook its head and left.

Next, in came a cat, gingerly sidling up to the duck, he, too, took a few sniffs, shook his head and walked out.

Soon the doctor came in with the news. "The tests have come in and the verdict is conclusive. I am sorry, but your duck is dead."

"Oh," said the lady, "my poor beloved duck. Well, thank you for being sure. Now, how much do I owe you?"

Well, said the veterinarian doctor, "That will be $1500"

"1500 dollars$!!!" shouted the woman. "How can it be 1500 dollars?!?!" she exclaimed incredulously.

"Well," said the veterinarian doctor, "if you had just taken my word for it, it would only have been $50.00. But what with the Lab test and Cat Scan ... "
 
Courage is not the absense of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #92 on: June 06, 2007, 01:37:26 AM »
WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND  HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO....... MUCH

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE  KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR  FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.



 

And Remember...
"A clean n tidy house is the sign of a wasted life"
Courage is not the absense of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.

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Lotus Eater

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #93 on: June 06, 2007, 03:09:39 AM »
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can
be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to
a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell
you the truth.. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to
another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You
don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same
work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux
rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to
them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New
shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all
your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be
your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are
unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays
its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big
hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You
can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails
with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

No wonder men are happier

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Mr Nobody

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #94 on: June 07, 2007, 02:40:10 PM »
Oh, Lotus, now you've gone and told everyone.

Now everyone will want to be a guy.

Even George.

What can we do to avoid the rush?
Just another roadkill on the information superhighway.

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #95 on: June 07, 2007, 02:47:56 PM »
 bkbkbkbkbk axaxaxaxax
Be kind to dragons for thou are crunchy when roasted and taste good with brie.

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #96 on: June 07, 2007, 06:22:20 PM »
 bkbkbkbkbk bkbkbkbkbk
Courage is not the absense of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.

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teleplayer

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #97 on: June 12, 2007, 09:19:30 AM »
Please, don't groan - too loudly.

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.



All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

 

This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

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kcanuck

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #98 on: June 12, 2007, 12:58:10 PM »
In case anyone thinking of complaining of political incorrectness with regards to the term squaw, many First Nation women have retaken the term.  The white man made it a derogatory word but apparently, traditionally it is something to embrace. (topic of a CBC radio documentary).
I am still learning. Michelangelo

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #99 on: June 12, 2007, 06:16:29 PM »
Interesting little tid-bit there Kcanuck.
Courage is not the absense of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #100 on: June 12, 2007, 06:21:15 PM »
3 Women in the Sauna.


THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED
IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER
FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG  WOMAN LIFTED HER
PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS  MY MOBILE
PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE
HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST  AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND
WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE  RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING
FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS  RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...I'M
GETTING A FAX!!

 ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah bibibibibi
Courage is not the absense of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.

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teleplayer

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #101 on: June 13, 2007, 06:12:40 AM »
In case anyone thinking of complaining of political incorrectness with regards to the term squaw, many First Nation women have retaken the term.  The white man made it a derogatory word but apparently, traditionally it is something to embrace. (topic of a CBC radio documentary).

Thanks Kcanuk.
I had mixed feelings about posting and must admit, didn't know about this "reclaiming of the term" which I'm sure has some deep cultural roots.
Then again, if we all were to worry about being PC on every post, a good many  here would require deletion. 

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George

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #102 on: June 13, 2007, 11:34:27 AM »
What's PC??
The higher they fly, the fewer!    http://neilson.aminus3.com/

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kcanuck

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #103 on: June 13, 2007, 01:38:10 PM »
politically correct

and I must admit, the term used in the joke is not one I'd be comfortable using in public conversation regardless of whether it's been reclaimed by First Nations people.
I am still learning. Michelangelo

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George

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #104 on: June 13, 2007, 03:26:21 PM »
politically correct

 
And here I was, wondering what Personal Computers had to do with squaws!
The higher they fly, the fewer!    http://neilson.aminus3.com/