Jokes from my trashbin

 
On a Sear's hairdryer: ....Do not use while sleeping.
(darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ....You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):"Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh?)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:"Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
 
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
(Oh my Gosh...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

 

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken
Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron
pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He didn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it, and
again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it
slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah...so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck

Aussiebloke instruction manual

Richard Glover
May 19, 2007


CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR decision to choose an AussieBloke. Your investment should give you a lifetime of pleasure and trouble-free operation. Please read these instructions carefully before use.
Warnings

* Never overfill your AussieBloke. Overfilling can affect both the appearance and speed of your AussieBloke and may lessen its operating life.

* Do not attempt to seal the ventilation openings on your AussieBloke. The regular emission of toxic odours is an important safety feature built into your AussieBloke. It is not considered a malfunction under your warranty.

* For optimum operation, you should give your AussieBloke a regular and thorough servicing.
Getting started

* Try to keep your AussieBloke upright while getting him into the house. Use no hooks, as he may initially be commitment phobic. Place on a cushioned surface before attempting to turn on. Stand well back.

* Contents may have settled during transportation. Actual size may vary.
Older models

* Do not attempt to jump-start older models. Firmly grasp working parts and first check pressure is adequate. Allow to warm up slowly. If AussieBloke remains stalled, you may need to change your settings. For a start, you may be in the wrong gear. Consider changing into something pink and frilly.


And it continues here......
http://www.smh.com.au/news/richard-glover/aussiebloke-instruction-manual/2007/05/17/1178995311349.html

   All I could think of was you George while I read that - especially when it got to the 'Older' model.   

 

 

Nice one DS

Sorry to all my blonde friends

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs; one night he was
doing a show in a small town near Auckland. With his dummy on
his knee, he started going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde in the 4th row stood up on her chair
and shouted, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde
jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What's the color of a person's hair got to do with her intelligence
and worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like
me from being respected at work and in the community, and from
reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your
kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, the infuriated
blonde yelled, "You damn well stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to
that little arsehole on your knee!". 

 

Thanks for the giggle Vege!

  And so I think I won't dye my hair blond again!

I'm thinking that's probably a good thing Cheeks.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,  Mr. Smith kissed his wife  goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you  know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is  fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.  The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.  Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,

    that was brilliant.

 

Poor Mrs Smith.

So that's why I DON'T look like my dad:)