Jokes from my trashbin

Unfortunately, that joke doesn't translate too well across the Pacific, where they pronounce it  "rowt", and think that rooting means barracking. Also hard for them to comprehend why a bloke would be called Wombat, just because he eats, roots and leaves.

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"

This is definitely an Ozzie joke....it does not translate into the Atlantic Zone...I don't "get" it.

Amonk substitute shag for root

AAAaaaahhh

 

It is not our fault that some people just can't understand "real" English. 

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room. He shouted to his wife,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied, "what does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma"

A number of candidates to become priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each candidate had a small bell attached to his c@ck and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests-to-be until she got to the final priest, Andre, poor young and pretty Andre.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground to where it lay to rest in the nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Andre quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up . . . and all the other bells started to ring!

A man walks into a confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..."  

The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"  

"Well father, I used the F-word yesterday."  

"Oh, is that all?  Say five Hail Marys and may the Lord be with you."  

But the man replies, "Father, I really need to talk about it."  

"Let's have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench.

"You see Father, I was playing golf, and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees."  

"Ah yes, and that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queries.  

"No, as luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when, all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree."

"That must have been when you cursed?"  

"No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out of the trees and back out over the green.  Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth, landing 2 and a half inches from the cup!"

"And that was when you cursed aloud," the priest says assuredly.  

But as the man starts "No, no, no..."  and the Father interrupts, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"

paddy and murphy jokes

paddy and murphy are walking round looking for work and they see a sign in a window saying 'tree fellers wanted'. paddy goes 'it's a shame there's only two of us'

paddy and his wife have murphy and his wife over for a few drinks, things get a bit heated and the couples decide to swap partners for the night

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"

A Hillbilly daughter asks her father if she can borrow the family car.  The dad says, "You know the rule.  You give me a blow-job and you can use the care".  She complains but finally agrees.  She starts giving him the blow-job and then pulls back abruptly and says, "God, dad, your dick tastes like shit".  The father thinks for a second and then says, "Oh, I just remembered, I told your brother that HE could use the car tonight".

The Italian Secret To a Long Marriage


At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for da 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'ma gonna go get her.'

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

[click] [click]

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.

The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal"

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'TWIST,  Mom!'  she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.  'The dance is called the Twist!'

CLASSIC COMMENTATOR QUOTES

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him." -New Zealand Rugby Commentator

"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" -Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator

"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew." -Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god! What have I just said??" -US PGA Commentator

"You'd eat beaver if you could get it." -Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on "Time Team Live"

"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" -Female news anchor to weatherman

"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday." -Steve Ryder covering the US Masters

"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." -Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North

"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." -Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports

"They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." -Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1"s UK eclipse coverage remarked

"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." -Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson

"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." -David Coleman

"It's a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs." -David Coleman

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." -Murray Walker

After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." -Bobby Robson

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." -Ian Rush

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence, Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." -Frank Bruno

"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." -David Coleman

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." -David Coleman

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." -Murray Walker

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." -Greg Norman

"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." -Alan Minter

"Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running." -Ron Pickering

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." -Murray Walker

"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." -Jo Sheldon

"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." -Ted Lowe

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." -Marlon Starling

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." -Terry Venables

"I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." -John Snagge, commentating a boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother. -Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." -Tony Crozier

"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!" -George Hamilton

"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense." -Ron Noades

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator" -John Arlott

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized" -Ian McNail

"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival" -Noel O' Mahony

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better" -Ron Atkinson

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." -Ron Atkinson

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" -Ron Atkinson

"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists." -David Vine

"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres." -David Coleman

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." -Metro Radio

"... and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs." -Sue Barker

"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of." -David Coleman

"Sex is an anti-climax after that!" -Grand National-winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald

"Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that" -Desmond Lynam

"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch." -Ruud Gullit

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw". -Ron Atkinson

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip" -John Motson

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." -David Acfield

What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?" -Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live

"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class" -David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics

"These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them." -Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta