Jokes from my trashbin

 

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)... Queensland 's famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish! 
(For you o/seas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth of which out of the world’s top 10, Australia has 5). 

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.
I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg Rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without
incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

 

Good one George!!

<late can't speak right now, he has these frogs in his mouth>

1. Schizophrenia -- Do I Hear What I Hear?


2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are


3. Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas


4. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing about Me


5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....


6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me


7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire


8. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, and I Don't Know Why


9. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent Night, Holy....oooh look at the froggy, can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?


10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Mother-in-law                                Woman Hitler
Evangelist                                        Evil agents
Large breasts                                  Great braless
Prison cell mate                              Con still rapes me
Ordained Priest                              Predator inside
School teacher                                coach the losers
sexually transmitted diseases    Last steamy sex resulted in aids
Husband and wife                         Fun was had in bed
The ménage à trois                        A giant threesome
Feeling romantic                            Flaming erection
X-Rated Movies                             Sex video-mart
Life Sucks                                        I Fuck Less
I have a large penis                       I please her vagina
President Clinton of the USA     To copulate, he finds interns
Catholicism                                     Comical Shit
Masturbation                                 Anatomist Rub
Anal retentive                                A latrine event
Axl Rose                                          Oral sex
Debit card                                      Bad credit
Slot machines                               Cash lost in ‘em
School master                              The classroom
Eleven plus two                            Twelve plus one
Dormitory                                      Dirty room
Punishment                                   Nine Thumps
The Morse code                           Here come dots
Stupidsticks.com                        Custom Dipsticks
Snooze alarms                             Alas! No more Zs
A decimal point                           I’m a dot in place
Astronomer                                  Moon starer
The eyes                                        They see
The public art galleries            Large picture halls, I bet
Election results                           Lies – let’s recount
The Hurricanes                          These churn air

-Anagrams in Famous Names-
Elvis                                                Lives
Elvis Aaron Presley                    Seen alive? Sorry, pal!
Madonna Louise Ciccone          One cool dance musician.
Clint Eastwood                            Old West action.
William Shakespeare                I’ll make a wise phrase.
Marilyn Manson                         Manly man? No sir!
A Homer Simpson                     Mr Homo Sapiens.
Giovanni Pergolesi                     I love opera singing!
George Bush                                He bugs Gore.
President Bush of the USA      A fresh one, but he’s stupid.
Osama bin Laden                       A bad man, no lies.
Saddam Hussein                       UN’s said he’s mad.
Adolf Hitler                                Do real filth.
Monica Lewinsky                     Nice silky woman.

Subject: Alert Levels

 
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. 

 

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Blitzkrieg".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath) New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries," to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

..."The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Phew. 


Nice one, teleplayer. That gave me a giggle

I love it!!

You forgot the special post-collaborate level the French use when the crisis ends.  It's called "We weren't collaborating.  We were all highly effective members of the underground resistance!"

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand!! Murphy got excited by this,but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain’t finished yet, !'The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a good ting we didn't use WD-40.

From my brother the marksman.....


The Sheer Nightgown

  A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a negligee as a gift for   
  his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 
  in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for 
  the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to 
  his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.   
                                                                           
  Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea. It's so sheer
  that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the     
  modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
                                                                           
  She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.                     
                                                                           
  The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron
  it!"                                                                     
                                                                           
  He never heard the shot.                                                 
                                                                           
  Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin......donations in lieu of     
  flowers to the National Association for Retarded Husbands (NARH).

<from my cousin. Apologies if you've heard it before>
A group of 40 years old buddies get together and discuss where they should meet for dinner.  Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
 10 years later, at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should dine. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss  where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.

I can't remember if I ever heard that before or not.

What were we talking about?