Jokes from my trashbin

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.


Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
 place.....`smack his okole again

The Pharmacist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I  had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!

I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist!!

Thanks George    I just finished breakfast.

What did you have??

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true of many languages.)

There is a two-letter word in English that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP..

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now ........my time is UP , so time to shut UP!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U P

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U P

Errrr, we are talking about a man here aren't we?

 An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice
 in reviving her husband's flagging libido.
 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's
 when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
 Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

 It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
 to her progress.
 The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!
 Just terrible, doctor!'

 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect  was
 almost immediate.  He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and
 with his pants a-bulging fiercely!  With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups
 flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately
 on the tabletop!  It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex wasn't good?'

 'Be Jaysus Father, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!  But sure as
 I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

 

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first
 class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
 
 The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shudder ing. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
 
 Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman
 and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed
 three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you ok?"
 
 "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical
 condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
 
 The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I
 have never heard of that condition before " he said. "Are you
 taking anything for it?"
     
The woman nodded, "PEPPER."

Many, many moons ago, when I was a uni student, I took a Human Sexuality course.  Not sure what else I've retained from the class, but I still clearly remember the professor saying that having an orgasm was like sneezing. 

(I hate it when a post of mine refering to a previous post ends up first on the next page.  It doesn't quite make sense.  For those of you beginning on this page, go back to Teleplayer's joke on page 42, then read my comment.)

Actually, Ruth, your professor probably said something to the effect that recognising/anticipating you are building toward an orgasm is similar to the sensation of expecting a sneeze

The arrival, however, is not the same at all

Guess I get a C- in retaining information.  I do remember being shocked that he was so open in discussing stuff like that in a lecture hall full of people.  (Somewhat sheltered upbringing here.)

The arrival, however, is not the same at all

Speak for yourself

Speak for yourself

And pass the tissues please?