Jokes from my trashbin

 

Okay all you Saloon sinners, listen up!


Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.  Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. 

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua, came David  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.  There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born n  Bethlehem  in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.  But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
 

 

 

Judas Asparagus...oh my aching sides

Joshua fought the battle of Geritol

Hey George, Did you take any pictures of the battle?

You could make a mug.

You could make a mug.

Yeah, then I would make a Major Prophet!

Oh....those PUNS

I was on prac (I'm a student teacher...that makes me sound so like young! :-) ) and one of the young girls in my class told me this joke. And I have to admit it had me giggling for AGES

Q. Why is the sand always wet?
A. Becuase the sea weed on it :-)

My fav type of joke are the very simple kiddie jokes :-)

Ben & Jerry have asked for suggestions from the public for flavors to commemorate Bush. Here are some of their favorite responses:

- Grape Depression
- The Housing Crunch
- Abu Grape
- Cluster Fudge
- Nut'n Accomplished
- Good Riddance You Lousy ************... Swirl
- Iraqi Road
- Chock 'n Awe
- WireTapioca
- Impeach Cobbler
- Guantanamallow
- imPeachmint
- Heck of a Job, Brownie!
- NeoconaPolitan
- RockyRoad to Fascism
- The Reese's-cession
- Cookie D'oh!
- Nougalar Proliferation
- Death by Chocolate... and Torture
- Freedom Vanilla Ice Cream
- Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder
- Credit Crunch
- Mission Pecanplished
- Country Pumpkin
- WMDeelicious
- Bloody Sundae
- Caramel Preemptive Stripe
- I broke the law and am responsible for the deaths of thousands . . . with nuts
 
Ben and Jerry's is coming out with an unbelievable new ice cream in honor of the man just sworn in as our 44th President.

It is being churned in Washington DC and appropriately being named:
Baracky Road ----half chocolate and half vanilla surrounded by fruits and nuts....

Why won’t cannibals eat divorced women?
They’re very bitter.
*
Why do cannibals prefer eating readers to writers?
Because writers cramp but readers digest.
*
What did the cannibal do after he had dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
*
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the woods?
*
Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and say, “You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn’t agree with me!”
*
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
*
When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone’s eaten.
*
The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, “Aren’t you done eating yet?” The 2nd cannibal replied, “I’m on my last leg now.”
*
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food?
He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.
*
One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn’t like!
*
What is a cannibal’s favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.
*
Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant?
Dinner costs an arm and a leg.
*
Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture?
Eatin’ Allen’s.
*
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
*
What is a cannibal’s favorite game?
Swallow the leader.
*
What do cannibals make out of politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.
*
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
*
A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, “You can kill me or you can eat me, but I’m tired of getting stuck for drinks.”
*
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?
*
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, “Gee, I hate my mother-in-law.” The 2nd replies, “So, try the potatoes.
*
Cannibal’s recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

A lame dog limps into a saloon.
He says, "Ahm looking fer the man that shot my paw!"
*
Two fish in a tank and one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
*
what did the zero say to the eight?
`Nice belt
*
2 birds sat on a perch. one turns to the other and asks "can you smell fish....?"
*
There are two snowmen in a field.
One says to the other "can you smell carrots?"
*
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables on his head...
the bartender looks at him and says " Don't even think of starting anything in here!"
*
What do you call a cow with seizures?
Beef Jerky...
*
Daddy tomato, mommy tomato and baby tomato was walking down the side walk. Soon baby tomato started falling behind. Daddy tomato goes back, steps on him and says catch up.
*
how do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
put it int microwave until it,s bill withers
*
A man is sitting next to a woman on a plane. Turns out she's a drop-dead-gorgeous blonde! When they reached 27,000 ft. the plane leveled out and woman sneezed.
This would have been perfectly normal but for the fact that after she sneezed she shuddered violently. About five minutes later she sneezed and once again shuddered violently. Five minutes later she sneezed and shuddered yet again.
Finally the man had, had all he could take and his curiosity got the better of him.
"Are you O.K." He asked
"Yes," said the woman "I'm fine, why?"
"It's just that three times you've sneezed and three times you've shuddered violently almost immediatly afterwards."
"Oh, I'm sorry," said the woman "It's just that I've got this rare condition, every time I sneeze I orgasm"
"Oh really," said the man and being a keen follower of medical science asked "What are you taking for it."
"Pepper," answered the woman.
*
Did you hear about the blond buying a topless, bottomless bathing suit and then later finding out it was a belt?
*
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor
*
Once upon a time, two little boys, James and David, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, James eventually asked David, "Hey, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said David.

"Oh, don't worry about it," James said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?'' replied David. "That's not half-bad. So, James, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," James answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
*
Do you know how to hunt polar bears?

Well, you cut a hole in the ican and put a ring of peas around it.

Then, when a polar bear comes up to take a pea ...
you kick him in the icehole.

Okay all you Saloon sinners, listen up!


Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell:

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

For the LAST TIME!@$^$%^%^#

They Were MONGOOSES!
 

Mongeese?

it is Mongooses.....I Wiki'd it....

(yet another English rule that doesn't work! We're teaching this?)

it is Mongooses.....I Wiki'd it....

(yet another English rule that doesn't work! We're teaching this?)

English rules are like lane markers on a Chinese road.  Helpful guidelines that may be observed or ignored at one's convenience.

Little Johnny hears loud voices down the hall from his room...
He quietly heads down the hall towards his parents room...
His parent's bedroom door is slightly cracked open...
Johnny realizes, that's where the noise is coming from...
Johnny peaks through the open door...
To his surprise, he sees his dad doing his mom from behind as she leans on the dresser!
Johnny's dad looks towards the door and winks at Johnny...
Johnny ducks out of there and heads back to his room...
When his parents finish up, Johnny's dad heads down the hall to chat with him...
As Johnny's dad approaches his room he hears a loud voices...
Johnny's dad open the door and can't believe what he sees!!!
Johnny's dad sees Johnny doing grandma from behind as she leans on the dresser...
Johnny's dad yells,

Little Johnny says, with a grin,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.