Jokes from my trashbin

OSHA approved cowboy

http://www.hsegroup.com/hse/text/cowboy.htm

_{OSHA=Occupational Safety and Health Administration}

I was feeling very depressed, so I rang the help line. Naturally, in these days of cost-cutting, they put me through to a call centre in Pakistan.

This didn't help.

I thought, what the hell, I have nothing to lose! So I tried to explain was what wrong. I said I was feeling very depressed, and somewhat suicidal. This took several attempts, as the phone was passed from person to person, trying to understand.

None of this was helping at all.

Finally they seemed to get it, and asked if they were correct. Yes, I said, I am feeling depressed and suicidal. To myself, I thought, more so by the minute.

All of a sudden they all sounded very excited. They handed the phone to someone who asked quite clearly: "Can you fly a plane or drive a truck?"

A truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:

Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audience we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry.

Prime Minister Howard hosted President Bush to breakfast at a fancy restaurant during the recent APEC conference.
The waitress approached and asked Mr Howard what he would like.  He replied
"I'll have scrambled eggs on toast without any butter, grilled tomato, mushrooms and bacon."
"And what would like Mr Bush?"
He said,  "Actually, I'd like a quickie."
Whereupon the waitress slapped his face and fled.
Mr Howard leaned over to Mr Bush and said out of the side of his mouth
"George, in this country we pronounce it quiche."

We went to my BiL's Birthday party last night.  My (other) dopey SiL said that we really should get ourselves an "interperetator" when we visit China....otherwise we'll never understand what the people are saying and besides...the signs are all in a foreign language, so they're no help at all!







The worst part about this is that it is a true story!!

When I first came to China as a tourist, maybe 18 yrs ago I was impressed by all the English signs everywhere.  At the tourist places there would be a sign in Chinese with a Sign in English next to it to explain what the place was.  I was impressed as I was living in Quebec at the time and everything was in French only.

Your SiL etc are full of bull-poo

DS may remember this one. I found this in an "archeological trash bin" of sorts
 


Re: Jokes from my trash bin
« Reply #412 on Aug 15, 2006, 4:50 » 

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The World's Shortest Fairy Tale


Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?"

The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.


The End 
 Link to Post - Back to Top   Logged

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Be kind to dragons for thou are crunchy when roasted and taste good with brie.

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Arabian desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
 He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly the Camel."
 The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay."
 About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges".
 Crazy with frustration, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
 Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the
 ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the
 camel.
 When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

 No, not really, sir...

 "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

That was old when my (now deceased) grandfather was young in WWI !!

Well, that's good. The poor camel would have died long ago, and thus be spared the embarrassment of public disclosure on the interent.

2007 Australian Citizenship test


1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arrse"?
___________________________________
2. What is a bloody little beauty?
___________________________________
3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
___________________________________
4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
__________________________________

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
___________________________
6. Complete the following sentences:
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ?
b) You're going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?
_________________________________
7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
__________________________________
8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
__________________________________
9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
__________________________________

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
__________________________________
11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
__________________________________
12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
__________________________________
13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?
__________________________________
14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?
__________________________________
15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
__________________________________
16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
__________________________________

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
__________________________________
18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
__________________________________
19. Who would you like to crack on to?
__________________________________
20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
__________________________________
21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
_________________________________
22. What does inkin piss at a mates joint and getten para mean?

2007 Australian Citizenship test


1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arrse"?
___________________________________
2. What is a bloody little beauty?
___________________________________
3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
___________________________________
4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
__________________________________

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
___________________________
6. Complete the following sentences:
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ?
b) You're going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?
_________________________________
7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
__________________________________
8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
__________________________________
9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
__________________________________

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
__________________________________
11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
__________________________________
12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
__________________________________
13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?
__________________________________
14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?
__________________________________
15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
__________________________________
16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
__________________________________

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
__________________________________
18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
__________________________________
19. Who would you like to crack on to?
__________________________________
20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
__________________________________
21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
_________________________________
22. What does inkin piss at a mates joint and getten para mean?

Excuse me - what's funny?? Yesus - nobody speaks proper English any more!

Yes I does.

Well done Bugalugs. I logged on this morning to post this joke, which is doing the rounds on the internet at the moment, to see that I had dawdled too long. 

Few points.
8.  Is "wedgie" particularly an Australian expression?  I don't think so.
9.  I do know a couple described so, except her name is not Cheryl but Shaz.

We often ate 10. But I think mum used sliced string beans instead of the cabbage. I have a memory of her finding the recipe in the Women's Weekly before it was published monthly and became known as the rag mag.