Jokes from my trashbin

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A-Train

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #960 on: September 15, 2011, 04:13:40 PM »
An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"

The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."
"The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore attempt the impossible and achieve it, generation after generation.

Pearl S. Buck

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Pashley

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #961 on: September 28, 2011, 03:36:32 PM »
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.  Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and - well, being a typical man - I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.  I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.  I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends; played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost ... it's a man thing.
Who put a stop payment on my reality check?

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Stil

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #962 on: October 05, 2011, 07:53:09 PM »





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Escaped Lunatic

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #963 on: October 05, 2011, 07:59:30 PM »
Betty White rocks!
I'm pro-cloning and we vote!               Why isn't this card colored green?
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Stil

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #964 on: October 06, 2011, 12:30:04 AM »
Betty White rocks!

I'm sure zero would do her.

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Escaped Lunatic

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #965 on: October 06, 2011, 03:07:21 PM »
I'm pro-cloning and we vote!               Why isn't this card colored green?
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fox

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #966 on: October 06, 2011, 08:22:51 PM »
didnt take long ....
regard man as a mine rich in gems of inestimable value.

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #967 on: October 06, 2011, 08:34:31 PM »
I knew there had to be an app for that. ahahahahah
I'm pro-cloning and we vote!               Why isn't this card colored green?
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A-Train

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #968 on: October 09, 2011, 05:42:25 AM »
"The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore attempt the impossible and achieve it, generation after generation.

Pearl S. Buck

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teleplayer

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #969 on: October 28, 2011, 10:13:32 AM »
Irish Funeral


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #970 on: December 03, 2011, 03:30:33 AM »
The golden Phone

 

 


A photographer on vacation was inside a church in Orlando taking photographs when
he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by
what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw
the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando
and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis , Washington , Philadelphia , Boston
, and New York .

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same
'$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to
see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada , and again, in the first church he entered,
there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many
churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven,
but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a
local call.'

 


KEEP SMILING

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #971 on: December 04, 2011, 11:37:07 AM »
 bkbkbkbkbk
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."  (Oscar Wilde)

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Stil

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #972 on: December 13, 2011, 12:28:25 AM »


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Escaped Lunatic

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #973 on: December 13, 2011, 05:25:40 PM »
bkbkbkbkbk SUCCESS!!!! bkbkbkbkbk
I'm pro-cloning and we vote!               Why isn't this card colored green?
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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #974 on: January 21, 2012, 10:12:45 AM »
IRISH SAUSAGES

 

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

 

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

 

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

 

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

 

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

 

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

 

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

 
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

  The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

  They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

  At the tenth pub Shamus said

'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this.

I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

 

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel?

I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'