Jokes from my trashbin

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride
to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was
uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a
Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the
service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind hi m on the horse, put my arms around his waist,
and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'

 

Oldie, but a goodie!

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
  handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
 
  She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to
ask, but I don't want to offend you.'
 
 She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive.'
 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
  She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
  #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

 The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!'
 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
 
  The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
  But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
 
 'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married
and I'm Jewish.'
  The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy
dress party.'
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 14

Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 15

Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 16

Dearest John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 17

Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?

Affectionately,

Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 18

Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

Love,

Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 19

Dear John:

When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 20

John:

What's with you and those birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those damn birds!

Sincerely,

Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 21

OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows! There's crap all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.

Just lay off me, smartass!

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 22

Hey Shithead:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!

You'll get yours!

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 23

You Rotten Prick!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of crap. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm siccing the police on you.

One who means it!!

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 24

ListenJerk:
What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes
Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Ill.
December 25

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Bender & Cajole

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut
in your hole?

I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and
wear you like a feed bag.

If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be
you by morning!

How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled,
or fertilized?

I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name
to go with your face.

You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to
see where it came from.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't
hold it in.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like
spaghetti. Let's go ****.

Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love
to tap that ass!

If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your
left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between
the holidays?

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't
know whether to mount you or eat you!

Your parents must be retarded, because you are
special

Could I touch your belly button . . . from the
inside?

I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I =
69?

How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold
your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely
wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me,
I said you look fat in those pants"

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your
house.

**** me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

I love every bone in your body - especially
mine.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but
beauty is only a light switch away.

Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery
when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went into this motel room.

Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I
lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's
everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the
money?

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm
the only one talking to you.

That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I
were on you, I'd be coming too.

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it
appears that someone beat me to it.

guy: wanna go out for pizza and a bj
girl: ewww no
guy: whats a matter dont like pizza?

hey babe lets do a 68 and ill owe u one

hun it might be this vodka talking but u wanna fool around

pass the breast im a meat and potatoes kinda guy

guy: are ya nervous
girl: yes it my first time
guy:(unwrapping a condom) this is my first condom too

go up to 2 girls in a club, go to the 'not so good looking' one and say;
'hey hun, you want to dance?'
(yes, sure)
'go for it then an let me chat to your friend'

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked,"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied,"A thought. It pops into your head, there’s no forewarning that it’s on the way; it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That’s very good," replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes and you don’t know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!", said the interviewer."The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out on my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It’s hard to beat the speed of light.", he said.

Turning to the fourth man he posed the same question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea said the man.

"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh, I can explain," said the man , "You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants."

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these
breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. 'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.... Let's see ... where did I put that useless t*t?'

I suspect you've heard this before, but since it's new to me I thought I'd pass it on.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.  Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. But at least now we're on the same page

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men.
Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a
stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just
look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home.
Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and
my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough
of you,so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being
an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some
cousins involved?
If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives,
buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and
don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10
calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and
gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His
offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is
extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to
do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my cli toris is.

A: Your cli toris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess
with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may
wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea
markets.
To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and
cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do
not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get
you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him
by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant,
man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention
it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present
and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it
comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're
not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that
may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?

A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is
good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your
man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you
suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps
another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the
purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal
thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy
yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even
going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish
his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities
for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette,
making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him
alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity,
is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect
male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches
or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and
do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry,
cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift - and don't forget to
cook him an absolutely fabulous meal.

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card .... and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

For the boss 


WAL-MART GREETER
 

So, after landing my new job as a  Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for
many retirees, I lasted less than a  day......

About two hours into my first day on the  job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store  with her two
kids,  yelling obscenities at them all the way through  the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good  morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they  twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long  enough to say, 'Hell no, they
ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other  one's 7. Why the
hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or  just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice. Have a good  day and thank you for
shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut  out for this line of work.
 

According to

Making Light
Incorporating Electrolite
Language, fraud, folly, truth, knitting, and growing luminous by eating light.

"The true history of the Bush years"

"....
"Now, in this moment before a changing world overwrites our memories of the era, let us pause to salute our constant companion of those years: The Onion. Other histories of the Bush years will doubtless be more factual, but none will ever be truer."

http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/010952.html

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at
John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board
a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square,
a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto
Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the
notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not  identify the man,
who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons
of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in search of absolute values.

"They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval
with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer
Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."