Jokes from my trashbin

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DaDan

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #300 on: February 11, 2008, 10:21:42 AM »
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,

and dry cleaners depressed?
me pappy sayd... 
Once ya get past the smell... ...:P ... `You got it licked...

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DaDan

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #301 on: February 11, 2008, 10:38:59 AM »
A doctor makes love to his patient.
As the day goes on he starts to have second thoughts. " Have I made a mistake? Am I going to get sued? He breaks out into a sweat, he can't concentrate on his patients, he is on the verge of a panic attack!

Just then, the voice in his head started talking...
" You're not the first doctor to make love to his patient, you're not the last doctor to make love to his patient. You're single, you're young, it's OK! It's just OK!!
He started to calm down then the other voice in his head, the one that always snaps him back to reality piped up
"But doctor. You're a veterinarian!
me pappy sayd... 
Once ya get past the smell... ...:P ... `You got it licked...

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DaDan

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #302 on: February 11, 2008, 10:46:47 AM »
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
me pappy sayd... 
Once ya get past the smell... ...:P ... `You got it licked...

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DaDan

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #303 on: February 11, 2008, 10:58:41 AM »
A guy goes into a brothel and says to the Madam, "What can I get for $20?"
She, totally uninterested in this "big spender" calls over her shoulder,
"Maisie, come and give this guy a Penguin"

Maisie walks over, kneels in front of the guy, drops his trousers and shorts
and starts to give him a blowjob. She stops about 30 seconds before he's
ready to come and walks away.

The guy waddles after her, still with his shorts and trousers around his
legs, and cries out "What's a Penguin?"
me pappy sayd... 
Once ya get past the smell... ...:P ... `You got it licked...

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #304 on: February 11, 2008, 05:56:57 PM »
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.

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Acjade

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #305 on: February 11, 2008, 07:32:02 PM »
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.


 ahahahahah  ahahahahah  ahahahahah

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #306 on: February 12, 2008, 03:42:23 PM »
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
               
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
               
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
               
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK )
               
A: What did your last slave die of?
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
               
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ..
   Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
   ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
               
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
               
_________________________________________________
               
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
               
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
               
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
   oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
               
A: You are a British politician, right?
               
____________________________ ______________________
               
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
               
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
   Milk is illegal.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
               
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
   All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
               
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
   You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
               
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
               
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
               
A: Only at Christmas.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
               
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
               
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
You have to care for it to matter.
http://www.haerbinger.com - All About Harbin

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Acjade

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #307 on: February 12, 2008, 04:01:20 PM »
Oh my aching ribs.  ahahahahah

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AMonk

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #308 on: February 13, 2008, 02:20:44 AM »
You forgot the punch-line.....




The husband will be undergoing surgery later today to remove the remote from his rectum.
Moderation....in most things...

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Bugalugs

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #309 on: February 15, 2008, 12:05:42 AM »
Gotta Be Over 40 to Understand

Mum used to cut chicken, slice eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't get food poisoning.

My Mum used to defrost mince-meat on the kitchen sink AND I used to eat some raw sometimes, too.

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper, in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember anybody getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the creek instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term mobile phone would have conjured up a moving phone, and a pager was the school loudhailer or PA system.

We all played sport, and also did PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of sandshoes (only worn in the gym or the sports ground) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built-in light reflectors.. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened, because they tell us how much safer we are now....
 
Flunking sport was not an option.... even for stupid kids!  There were not many fat kids.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the National Anthem and got free school milk for strong bones and teeth, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything, and she could even give you an aspirin for a headache or fever.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah..and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the castle' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mum pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our hair ruffled and got told to get back out there!

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mum calls the Solicitor to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't misbehave at our mate's house either, because if we did, we got our bum smacked there, and then we got our bum belted again when we got home.

I recall Donny from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front verandah, just before he fell off. Little did his Mum know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a yobbo.

It was a neighbourhood run amuck. We climbed trees, rolled down grassy slopes, made dams in the gutter, jumped into privit hedges ....

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a "dysfunctional family".

How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T---- SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING
Good girls are made from sugar and spice, I am made from Vodka and ice

Do you have and ID Ten T error??

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Bugalugs

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  • If we are what we eat, I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #310 on: February 15, 2008, 12:07:51 AM »
After serious & cautious consideration.....your contract  of friendship has  been renewed  for the New Year  2008!

It  was a very hard decision to make. So  try not to screw it up!!!

My  Wish for You in 2008

May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May  the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills.

May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!

May your  clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you  across the face and may your tears be that of joy.

May the problems you  had forget your home address! In simple words ............   
 
May 2008 be the best year  of your life!!!

Good girls are made from sugar and spice, I am made from Vodka and ice

Do you have and ID Ten T error??

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Bugalugs

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  • If we are what we eat, I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #311 on: February 15, 2008, 12:14:53 AM »
Subject: Health Tip of the Day.

Who  knew?!!!!

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka.
The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving.
The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.
The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9 Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days.
Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me! I've only been drinking the stuff.
Good girls are made from sugar and spice, I am made from Vodka and ice

Do you have and ID Ten T error??

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AMonk

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #312 on: February 15, 2008, 12:35:08 AM »
I need to run out and get me some vodka!!  Quick!!
Moderation....in most things...

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kcanuck

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #313 on: February 15, 2008, 04:31:31 PM »
I miss Inner Mongolia, Vege and I would train to Manzhouli and buy Russian made vodka for 15 kuai ananananan
I am still learning. Michelangelo

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AMonk

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #314 on: February 15, 2008, 11:11:07 PM »
I miss Inner Mongolia, Vege and I would train to Manzhouli and buy Russian made vodka for 15 kuai ananananan

Where is Vege, these days?  How're she and Daughter doing?  We never see her in the Saloon. alalalalal
Moderation....in most things...