Jokes from my trashbin

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says: "Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me, Master!"

His master asks him: "Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs while the sun sets, with no apparent purpose to them?"

"Yes, master."

"And have you seen the moon reflect upon the still surface of the lake, a mere reflection, and contemplated the meaning of it?"


"Yes, master."

"And have you seen the flock of birds flying across the sky at sunset, and wondered about their purpose in life?"

"Yes, master."

"That's your problem! You keep looking at useless stuff instead of practising!"

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts $5 in one hand and two $1 coins in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the coins and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the coins instead of the $5 note?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the $5, the game is over!”

A young employee was leaving the office late one night when he found the CEO standing in front of a paper shredder with a document in his hand.

“Listen,” the CEO said. “This is a very sensitive and important document here but my secretary’s gone home. Can you make this thing work?”

“Sure!” says the employee, ready to prove himself. He turned on the machine at the wall, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent!’ said the CEO, as the paper entered the machine. “I just need two copies.”

There was a traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but barely alive, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it.

An old farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. 'Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk,' said the hospitable old man. 'But, I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes.'

'Oh!' said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said, 'Just how much farther is it to the next house?'

If you're Russian when you go into the bathroom and Finnish when you come out, while you're in there European

A guy walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the crocodile will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmurs its approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the crocodile’s open mouth. The crocodile closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the crocodile hard on the top its head. The croc opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.

The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the 1st.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the 2nd.
Bartender gives them water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context

An elderly man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling.

“I’ve never been better!” he replies.

“I’ve got a 25-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child, what do you think about that?”.

The doctor considers this for a moment then says, “well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.”

“So he’s in the woods,” the doctor continues, “and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his chest.”

“That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear,” the man says

“Exactly,” the doctor replies.

A man approaches a travel agent and says: "I want to buy a plane ticket for Norwald...for a holiday".

Confused the travel agent begins searching on the computer.

"Norwald? I've never heard of it. I don't see it listed and I can't find it on the map. Where is Norwald?" he asks.

"Over there, he's my brother!" the man replies. 

 

A man was visiting New York and decided to take a taxi to his hotel.

They were driving for a while when the man leant over to ask the driver a question, tapping him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just centimetres from a window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the taxi, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger apologised to the driver, and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "no, no I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a taxi. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

A man was visiting New York and decided to take a taxi to his hotel.

They were driving for a while when the man leant over to ask the driver a question, tapping him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just centimetres from a window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the taxi, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger apologised to the driver, and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "no, no I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a taxi. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

And then the passenger screamed BRAINS! and attacked the driver.

A woman is desperate to get an all-over sun tan before her holiday is over and decides that the hotel roof offers the best tanning spot, without any areas of shade.

She wore a swimsuit on her first day up there but, after noticing that no-one else ever came up to the roof, she decides to ditch her swimsuit the following day.

Before she has time to make herself comfortable though, she hears footsteps hammering up the stairs and quickly pulls a towel over her rear to protect her modesty.

"Excuse me Miss," the porter says as he flies through the door, "the hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but could you please wear a swimsuit as you did yesterday."

Confused, she replies: "What difference does it make? I have not seen another soul up here - and I am covered with a towel?"

"Yes, miss," the porter replies, 'but, you see, you're lying on the restaurant's sky light!"

A woman is desperate to get an all-over sun tan before her holiday is over and decides that the hotel roof offers the best tanning spot, without any areas of shade.

She wore a swimsuit on her first day up there but, after noticing that no-one else ever came up to the roof, she decides to ditch her swimsuit the following day.

Before she has time to make herself comfortable though, she hears footsteps hammering up the stairs and quickly pulls a towel over her rear to protect her modesty.

"Excuse me Miss," the porter says as he flies through the door, "the hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but could you please wear a swimsuit as you did yesterday."

Confused, she replies: "What difference does it make? I have not seen another soul up here - and I am covered with a towel?"

"Yes, miss," the porter replies, 'but, you see, you're lying on the restaurant's sky light!"

NOOOOO!!!!  Don't cover up yet!  I'm still enjoying my lunch.