Jokes from my trashbin

this always cracks me up.

too big to post here so heres a link

http://scotsman.china8.org/forumpost.jpg

Q. How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?


A. When she starts to fit into your wife's clothes.

One day a man notices his wife rubbing some new cream on her breasts. "What is that?" he asks.

Its to help make my breasts larger.

"How long have you been using it?"

"About a year now but its not helping. she told him

He suggested rubbing toilet paper on her boobs to make them grow big

"Why? And how would that help?

"well," he started, "look what toilet paper did to your ass!"

As there's a "What's up with Scotland?" thread elsewhere, I thought I'd add a Scottish tale here.

One evening, Young Angus is over visiting his friend and neighbour, Wee Jock. As it happens, Jock has just acquired a small cask of superb malt whiskey. Then two sample it rather extensively and get quite wrecked. However, all good things must come to an end and eventually it is time for Angus to stagger home. Generous lad that he is, Jock prepares a small bottle of the marvelous booze for him to take home. Angus places it carefully in his sporran and stumbles away, singing.

Meanwhile, Duncan has been to town and has also gotten well sozzled. He is driving home along the same narrow winding country road that Angus is attempting to navigate on foot. Fortunately, he is driving slowly.

Duncan comes round a corner to see Angus only a few meters away and right in the center of the narrow road. There is a horrendous thump and Angus is thrown into the ditch. Duncan stops and leaps out of the car just as Angus. shaking his head, clambers out of the ditch and back onto the road.

Duncan: Are ye hurt, laddie?
Angus: Nae. I'm fine ... Och! Bide a wee minute. There's something wet running down me leg. I sartainly hope it's blood!

From this morning's email:

The customer looked depressed, so the barber told him, "Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed $5,000 he couldn't pay. He drove to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour. A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem and passed a hat around. Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff's edge.

"Incredible," said the client. "Who were these kind and compassionate people?"

The barber replied, "All the passengers on his bus."

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

funny

Would it be MURDER?
A nice, calm and  respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to  the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and  said, "I would like to buy some  cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in  the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady  replied, "I need it to poison my  husband."
  The  pharmacist's eyes got big  and he explained,  "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to  kill your husband,  that's against the law?   I'll lose my licence!  They'll throw both  of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will  happen.  Absolutely not!  You CANNOT have  any cyanide!"

 The lady reached into her  purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed  with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist  looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me  you had a  prescription."

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'    (I just turned 68.)

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
 
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit!'

This page is PRICELESS 

'Clueless Secretary Prompts Hilarious Office Email Thread'

http://jezebel.com/5582562/clueless-secretary-makes-for-hilarious-office-email-thread

Trying to keep my composure in the office- it didn't work.  No fewer than 4 coworkers witnessed me wheezing and dabbing my eyes with a kleenex.

.....No fewer than 4 coworkers witnessed me wheezing and dabbing my eyes with a kleenex.

  Are you allergic to cats?

You apparently didn't explore that link Becster put up.  I was laughing so hard I made a fool of myself.

Con, I did check the link [so I know it's about her cat].  Not so very funny, IMHO.  Mildly amusing, at best.  But that's just me. *shrug*

Start reading some of his other posts.