Raoul's China Saloon (V5.0) Beta
The Bar Room => The Love, Marriage and Family Board (ON-TOPIC) => Topic started by: reesey2369 on December 06, 2011, 05:13:58 PM
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Have any of you managed to maintain a long distance relationship while abroad in China? I'm wondering whether this is feasible. My boyfriend will be staying in Canada while I intend on going to China for a year (to see if I like it.) He has other obligations and doesn't think it's possible to leave to teach English for a year.
I've read some of your posts and am under the impression that many of you meet your partners while in China.
Any advice would be appreciated.
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If you were the kind of couple that can succeed in a long-distance relationship, you wouldn't be choosing a long-distance relationship. It's run its course. Move on. (You already are.)
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Zero - You have a good point. I could choose to stay but don't want to do that. Job prospects are not great and China seems like a fascinating place. Lots to learn and meet all sorts of people. Would be great if both of us would go but that's not going to happen.
Long distance relationships must be hard - exceptions rather than the rule - but doesn't happen? really?
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I knew one couple who did that and it seemed to work for them. They paired off at university while doing pre-law studies. Comes graduation, they each got accepted by one good law school, but different ones on opposite sides of Canada. Off they went.
It is possible. I'm inclined to doubt it is going to be easy.
For men, China is more-or-less the happy hunting ground. We get much more attention here, and from younger & prettier women, than we would at home. Also, whores are ubiquitous, cheap, and sometimes attractive.
I'm not sure how the whole situation works out for women. That might be a topic for the Ladies Lounge.
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I did the reverse last year, my girlfriend is Chinese and she went to study in Europe. After 2 months I realised that it was doomed if we stayed so far apart so I moved to Europe to be with her for her studies. I'm really glad I did
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Not with a China connexion - when I returned to University in the USA, Hubby-to-be stayed home....for 2 1/2 years.
I must have made enough phone calls to own shares in AT&T aoaoaoaoao and I tried to travel back :surfing: on every Break I got for a little R&R bhbhbhbhbh afafafafaf
We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary this Summer
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It's not a question of "long-distance relationships" being hard, of themselves. They are, but to know if it will work, you have to look at all the other variables. Chinese have been doing long-term, long-distance separations for many decades, probably centuries, and somehow it works for them, in its own way.
They work when there is a specific, goal-oriented reason for the separation, such as making a living or one or both parties pursuing education. It's best when the separation has a specific beginning and ending point.
In other words, they succeed when the separation is necessary and/or geared toward advancing the family. "Once I finish this PhD in Alabama, I'll get a good job and we can buy a house." Obviously, this suggests that the partners already have a high commitment level, such as being married or at least engaged.
Your statements that "China seems like a fascinating place" and that there is "lots to learn" and that you can "meet all sorts of people" are good reasons to go. But they aren't going to sustain the relationship. And, more to the point, if the relationship had any future, you wouldn't be thinking of leaving in the first place -- not for these reasons, anyway. That's why I say the relationship has run its course. Going to China or not going won't make any difference.
Somewhat subconsciously, China is probably your escape route.
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What you say here makes a lot of sense zero. bfbfbfbfbf I know that the world is changing pretty fast and that perhaps it was easier when I was younger, but as I see it, the question remains the same - Can I walk away and leave this person? We meet lots of afafafafaf "interesting" people in our lives and some folk make all sorts of reasons(excuses) for getting married. Just take a look around at the number of failed marriages and second and third marriages and poor young children trying to fit into a household with a non Biological parent. I knew, at first meeting, that I had found "my man" and I was on a date with another bloke. We were engaged within months and married a year later. On 17th of this month, my husband has been gone for 23yrs. There have been plenty of men who have tried to date me since and I have never been interested; I won't accept or use anyone to prevent me being on my own. If the "right" man had ever appeared, I would have known. Just know, that life is too short for you not to be really honest with yourself. I really hope that things work out for you. bfbfbfbfbf
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Long distance relationships work great. i have 4 or 5 myself right now.
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It's not a question of "long-distance relationships" being hard, of themselves. They are, but to know if it will work, you have to look at all the other variables. Chinese have been doing long-term, long-distance separations for many decades, probably centuries, and somehow it works for them, in its own way.
They work when there is a specific, goal-oriented reason for the separation, such as making a living or one or both parties pursuing education. It's best when the separation has a specific beginning and ending point.
In other words, they succeed when the separation is necessary and/or geared toward advancing the family. "Once I finish this PhD in Alabama, I'll get a good job and we can buy a house." Obviously, this suggests that the partners already have a high commitment level, such as being married or at least engaged.
Your statements that "China seems like a fascinating place" and that there is "lots to learn" and that you can "meet all sorts of people" are good reasons to go. But they aren't going to sustain the relationship. And, more to the point, if the relationship had any future, you wouldn't be thinking of leaving in the first place -- not for these reasons, anyway. That's why I say the relationship has run its course. Going to China or not going won't make any difference.
Somewhat subconsciously, China is probably your escape route.
This. I was going to write something pretty similar but zero beat me to it.
I think if this was a relationship that was meant to last you wouldn't be contemplating leaving it for an exciting adventure. A couple that is in it for the long haul can wait to have their adventures together.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to come to China, but I wouldn't try and maintain a relationship with your boyfriend while you're here. Agree to see other people and when (if) you get back home, if the feelings are still there you can always give it another go.
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Thanks for all of your advice. Many things for me to figure out in the coming weeks/months.
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Maybe you need to ditch that zero and get with this hero. Er, zero. Dump that zero and get with this zero ... who's also a hero ... oh, nevermind.
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I'm not sure your situation, but as someone with major wanderlust I can totally understand leaving a place without your boyfriend, but still staying together as a couple.
I mean, if you have a passion for travel adventure and he doesn't, it isn't necessarily a game breaker, you just have to figure out how to make it work for you. Admittedly a year IS a long time, and as many of us know China has a way to suck you in for more than a year, but I don't think your doomed before you begin.
I'm fortunate that I didn't have to choose between my husband and China. It took a long time of subtly manipulating convincing him to come, but if he wouldn't come, I would have done the long distance thing too.
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So much to ponder! Ahh. So much to sort out! The rest of my life is enough of a challenge.
Zero - i'm kind of a mess but must admit that last post was actually pretty funny.
Am very grateful for all the different perspectives. So much diverse experience out there!
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Hey Reesey!
I was in kind of the same situation as you a few months ago. I had a girlfriend back in the US and we both were planning on going to China, except she was going to Shanghai (to make the big bucks as an international school teacher! bibibibibi) and me to Dalian as a fake teacher ESL teacher. Anyways, to make a long story short, we ended up pretty much de-facto breaking up. The distance and different experiences/lifestyles we had just exacerabted the fact that we probably were'nt right for each other. We still talk every now and then and are on good terms, but the long distance will quickly make you realize whether or not that is the person for you.
On the bright side however, if you like Asian guys I've seen Western girls do pretty well here bfbfbfbfbf
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On the bright side however, if you like Asian guys I've seen Western girls do pretty well here bfbfbfbfbf
Amen to that ababababab
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hi reesey2369,
how did you go with the long distance relationship thing? I ask only because I'm curious as my boyfriend and I will be doing a similar thing soon.
FYI, to add to this topic, two friends of mine (who also happened to both study Chinese with me) were going out for only 2 months before they both went long distance, my friend (the woman) went to study in Hangzhou, while the guy went to Germany, and that was for 1 and a half years; now since that time, they are stronger than ever!
I guess it just depends on the relationship and what you're both prepared to put into it?
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On the bright side however, if you like Asian guys I've seen Western girls do pretty well here bfbfbfbfbf
Amen to that ababababab
I'll add a "hell yeah," to that.
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Reesey,
Take the good news while you can. IMHO the vast majority of long-distance relationships can only hold up for so long before they grow cold and/or one or both partners are tempted away by someone closer at hand. kkkkkkkkkk
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The female half goes to China/Asia for a year.... it might work.
The male half goes to China/Asia for a year.... it won't last more than a week after arrival.
So... your relationship "may" have a chance.
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Err, umm, I'd like to just point out that I noticed the difference in my replies from a year ago and now.
I didn't notice this post was from a year ago, and I just responded to FullRiceBowls comment. Then, I went back and read page one and realized that I had commented on it before.
A year ago I was married, now I'm not. I don't want you to think I'm some skeevy cheating woman. I'm a skeevy single woman now. ahahahahah
And anyway, I guess this just goes to show that having a close-distance relationship isn't so successful either, so just do what your heart tells u and let the chips fall where they may. bfbfbfbfbf
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Hey Annie!
Wow, that post was from almost a year ago. Time flies. I'm teaching ESL in China and have been here over half a year. My boyfriend stayed back home and is coming to visit in a few weeks. We are still together and yes, it's been exceedingly difficult. I wouldn't recommend a long distance relationship. there must be some subconscious s&m tendencies buried in my brain somewhere.
We are working out but I wouldn't say the coast is clear until we are living together in the same city again...I.e. when I'm back home. It'll take us a while to reacquaint ourselves and for me to deal with the aftermath of reverse culture shock.
If you are going to do it,be absolutely certain that this is the person you want to be with. The difficulties will be too overwhelming otherwise. And sexist as it is, I reluctantly agree with Brandex. As a female in China, I have seen quite a number of men break up with overseas gfs. I imagine that there may be an equal number of women who break up with an overseas bf but I haven't met any yet.
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It is actually a documented phenomena I read an article about, and a serious issue for Western companies sending expat managers to Asian countries, even with their wives/children in tow. They often return quickly, sometimes no longer as a couple.
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They call Hong Kong the graveyard of expat marriages. I'd imagine the mainland is even worse. If it's a guy like Raoul or myself or some of the others who know China and its people well, it might work, because the guy knows what the scheming local women are up to. For the bright-eyed expat who doesn't understand Mandarin and hasn't heard the conniving conversations amongst Chinese women, the shocking tales of manipulation, a thousand times over, the attention can be overwhelming, the temptation too great.
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zero, do the Chinese men behave in a similar "scheming" or "conniving" manner towards foreign females? I ask out of curiosity because my observations here in Australia are that it is common to see an attractive younger Asian lady hanging off a "drop kick" type anglo male. I think that I have only ever seen one old Anglo lady and Asian man together.
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Granny, no I haven't seen it work that way. I'm tempted to go on a long discussion of evolution, supply-and-demand, and other theoretical explanations. But I think you know better than I the ways of the world. Ever keep a female dog around the house? Notice what happens to the neighborhood fleabags when she's in heat? That's all the explanation we need. :-)
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GM, most Chinese men aren't really that interested in hooking up with foreign women. They'll consider it the opportunity presents itself, if there is an attraction there, but it isn't generally something they go looking for.
Many (not all, or even most) Chinese women DO go looking for relationships with foreign men.
In China, as with most traditional cultures, it is acceptable for a woman to marry "up" but not so acceptable for a man to do so. Until fairly recently the huge discrepancies between local and expat salaries mean that the foreign partner is almost always the one who is "richer." Also, until recently, foreigners meant status. So a foreign partner was seen as a step up from a Chinese one.
Of course times are changing and blah blah blah but I think that's generally why Chinese women go after foreign men (with the conniving etc.) but Chinese men don't go after foreign women in the same way.
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I could be wrong, but I suspect there's a segment of Chinese men who are attracted to Western women because they're "exotic", just as many Western men are attracted to Chinese women...
Hoo boy, this topic is really diverging... bibibibibi
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GM, most Chinese men aren't really that interested in hooking up with foreign women. They'll consider it the opportunity presents itself, if there is an attraction there, but it isn't generally something they go looking for.
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Of course times are changing and blah blah blah but I think that's generally why Chinese women go after foreign men (with the conniving etc.) but Chinese men don't go after foreign women in the same way.
Frankly, I think for many Chinese men it is insecurity that keeps them away from foreign women. That.....and ignorant assumptions and generalizations about what western women are. The idea that not all western women are the same does not cross the mind of many Chinese. They saw "American Pie" and "Friends" and think it's real life.
Most Chinese consider western women to be 'open'....which is scary to a not quite insignificant number of Chinese folks I have met. I find that a little hilarious since for all the talk I hear about 'traditional' Chinese women I have not encountered many. I do not believe I have met more here than in the U.S. Most only give lip service to tradition....then they give.....um...'lip service'.
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With their lips, on a man's member.
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Thanks for that info folks. It confirms my observations here. I see the guys eyeing off the Asian girls, but I have not really seen Asian guys taking an obvious interest in Anglo women. I am talking about the young guys in the street and the old guys in the Casino. I had one old guy from Singapore who appeared interested in me, but I sidestepped him when he tried to put his hands on me. He returns to his home Country for a set period of time, so he is probably not a citizen of this Country and probably had an ulterior motive. I am currently doing him a favour to help him keep his Casino membership card at its existing level and getting him some monetary benefits as he is away again at present.
Another one of my observations is that Asian women appear to take control, particularly when they marry the Foreigner. Are my observations accurate, or am I only seeing a "type" of Asian lady? I must confess that I want to go up to the guy and kick him up the bum for allowing himself to be treated/dominated/emasculated, in such a manner. I am trying to keep on topic and to understand what makes the Asian folk tick in their relationships. Again, my observations are that the Anglo girls here are more than happy to put their lips where zero said, so why the urge to rush off to Asia to "pick up" a bird? I hope I'm not overstepping the mark here, but does "size" have anything to do with things?
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well, some Asian men are more forward than others; I saw an ad in Shenzhen party the other day of an Asian guy asking for a "a nice foreign girl to get married"!
http://www.shenzhenparty.com/classifieds/detail.php?catid=16&siteid=210823 bibibibibi
each to their own I guess afafafafaf
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I saw an ad in Shenzhen party the other day of an Asian guy asking for a "a nice foreign girl to get married"!
Oooo, somebody really wants a visa to go abroad! oooooooooo
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This link pretty well sums it up, Granny: http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/01/20/11-asian-girls/
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Thanks for the link zero. I'm looking to see if I missed anything because there has to be more to it. When I observe our ladies, we seem to be getting larger. I note that most of the Chinese I see are short and thin. I'd love to hear an Asian guy's general view on foreign women. Am I wrong in my observations about the ladies being "bossy" especially when they have the guy where they want him? How about the cultural differences? To be really honest, I don't think or behave like the Asian folk that I see in the Casino. As a matter of interest and fact,they have ruined a lot of the priveledges we had because of their greed; it appears to be me first, me second and if there is any left, it is me third. How could someone, of a different culture, tolerate that type of behavior? There has to be more than what goes on in the bedroom? Again, I don't mean to overstep the mark, but I just can't seem to get to the real reason/reasons.
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Granny, I have come to believe that there are the questions you're asking, and then the questions you're really asking :-)
I will do my best to answer a bit of both.
In China and a lot of other cultures, there is a female Cinderella fantasy where you get whisked off and somebody takes care of you. It might not be the overwhelming storyline in most cases, but it's in the culture somewhere. Notice that the women often act like girls, whether they're 20 or 60 or 60 years old. It's culturally appropriate, even encouraged, to appear helpless sometimes. Remember, this is the country that produced foot-binding. Notice I said "appear" helpless. It is, in fact, a tactic for acquiring resources and stability. Thus, for women, marrying a foreigner works well enough. You got to his country, you let him take care of you.
Men everywhere, but in China especially, need an appearance of control. In China, this means knowing how to navigate the complex relationships, extract a good living from the system, work within the system while bending the hell out of the rules. Being able to "pull some strings" is a major point of pride for Chinese guys. Because of the "face" system and China's history, Chinese guys have particularly fragile egos. Nationalism in recent times fuels this. Marrying a foreign woman means stepping outside the system and, if you move to her country, making yourself helpless, at least for a while. These concepts do not go down easily for the vast majority of Chinese men.
Thus, while Chinese women are often open to relationships with foreigners, most Chinese men find it far preferable to stick with a local partner. Western women will do best with Chinese guys who come from outside the mainland, where attitudes might have liberalized somewhat. Maybe Hong Kong, Malaysia and Singapore.
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Thanks zero. bfbfbfbfbf I have been told by ladies who know, that there are some generalisations going around about Asian males. I am told that they are just that, so I wasn't asking about that aspect uuuuuuuuuu as far as the males go. I have observed this "girlish" behavior in older Asian ladies; I expect to see it in YOUNG ladies of all nationalities. I have the greatest desire to tell the older ladies to cut the crap and to ask the older guys to "get real". bibibibibi I guess it's what you see is what you get with me. Interesting what you have told me about the males. As you know, most men turn to look at an attractive female, but I have taken particulalar notice and this does not generally appear to happen here even with the younger Asian males. It is as if they are purposely NOT looking, because my observations here are that Asian folk appear very nosey and miss nothing. In case you are all wondering about my interest in this topic, it is because human behavior interests me as long as I can just observe it. As my friends say.."If they are out there, they will find you!" Now to give you a quick smile! I appear to have come to the attention of a young man who collects the trollies at the supermarket. He is obviously foreign and he always goes out of his way to wave to me or to rush up to my car to take my trolly from me to save me putting it in the trolly bay. My older neighbor (who is nosey) had to give him the third degree yesterday. He is apparently an Afghani refugee who had been held in detention in a refugee centre. His story appears very sad. Looks like Granny Mae has attracted another lost soul. bibibibibi By the way, he appears to have been given some visa, so there doesn't appear to be any ulterior motive; besides, I'm tooooo old. bgbgbgbgbg ahahahahah Perhaps its just as well I was too ill to go to China to teach. Who knows what could have happened with this relationship stuff? aoaoaoaoao ahahahahah ahahahahah