For People Married to Chinese: What are some of the most DIFFICULT problems.

Just a notice: I removed one off-topic post.

WOW.  everyone.  Thanks a lot.  Great stuff.  Good stuff to know and be ready for.  Hope this helps some out there.  Any more just feel free to vent, uh I mean post it here.

I have been married to my Chinese wife for over a year now.  We get on very well.

The only problem with our relationship is the pressure from her parents to do things.  The main one is to buy a house, which I dont want to do.  Also I only work 2 days a week, so of course they think I should work more. 

They have always lived a very humble life and at the beginning of our relationship, if we bought things, they would always say we were wasting our money.  Now they think my wife should buy lots of things as she is married to a foreigner and it would be great for their FACE with the rest of their family if they could tell them what their daughter has been spending her money on.

Now my wife is pregnant.  Her parents gave her a book of 288 things you cant do when your pregnant.  Old wives tales and some proven medical facts.  The thing about Chinese hospitals is that they want to make as much money out of you as possible but I am the only person that can see this.  If I say anything against anything, then I am told, if anything is wrong with the baby, its your fault.

I like to lead my own life so the less involvement from others the better.

Thankfully, I don't have some of the issues some of you mentioned (and I have often heard about), especially with regard to giving out personal info and gossip. Unusually, my girl is very anti-gossip and hates to mingle in those kinds of circles. She's also quite respectful towards my privacy (and my ex's!) which is also a bit unusual - guess that's why I like her eh! Still, there are several 'cultural' differences which linger too much.

Overall, it's a blessing and amazing thing to always have this cultural divide/unity that makes us all stand out from other 'mainstream' couples around the world. Not saying we're 'better' in any way, just that it provides a different and special climate of sharing, love and understanding. That's a sweet thing guys/gals. Sure is.

Now starting to wonder about people's experiences when meeting his/her Chinese family! Yikes... that was tense to say the least. Everything was a test of some sort!!!

Mr. Barfly, Interesting about the in-laws and how they change.  I hear you about the "you waste money" and then "oh lookie what my daughter can afford now!"  When my wife read that she just shook her head...

about the baby thing.  WE had the same issues.  My advice: you are not going to change 5,000 years of old wives tales and culture and beliefs.  Period.  Roll with it.  The thing you have to remember is: You DO want your wife to be safe.  You DO want your baby to be safe.  You DO want the best for them.  So why not let them do things now that they think will do them good.

Dex, Lucky you that you have a NON gossip woman.  Me too.  and I totally agree that yes, there is something different about my wife and I when we are in social situations.  She's not just from a different place in America... no she has an international perspective.  We have an international perspective.  Totally agree. 

I have been married to a girl from the countryside with a very traditional family indeed and the major, major, major problem is her unbeleivablely bad,mad, rude,vulgar and backward mother! Even compard to the rest of her family this woman is a not nice. She wont, or can talk in a logical manner or take any critisism-if she does she will just go crazy and shout- and has never said sorry in her life. I am British so this is a big cultural problem. I live with them in their house in Beijing and now that we have baby it has become worse as she thinks its up to her to make the choices for her. Had major arguments and now I dont talk to her much-especially after she tryed to pull my baby out of my arms, she thinks that because its her daughter's baby half of her belongs to her-and that has put presure on my wife. Now after all the arguments with her daughter and me now she realises who makes the choices with my baby-if I say no then its no etc-so she is careful now. She made my wifes thyroid enflame in one hour from an argument which resulted in an operation and a lifetime of taking medication. I am lucky however that my wife, for a Chinese girl in such a family is not in the slightest bit like them. She is kind very openminded and doesnt trust Chinese people (bit worrying that one even if some of them are crazy).

Our biggest don't-see-eye-to-eye is her not wanting to admit how rude and inconsiderate and self-important so many Chinese are that we have to deal with.  I am vocal about it (in restaurants, bars, hospitals, cars, etc.) and she knows I am right but pride and nationalism won't let her agree.  So she has this internal battle that I like to fuel so she can start thinking more openly and critically.

Yes I agree patriotism is a major fallback with Chinese people. My wife say they think too big and a the result too much and dont think enough about how to get there. Just look at Beijing airport, it really doesnt need to be that big. Gatwick and Heathrow handle more incoming and outgoing flights than Beijing and there is no comparision in size. One should not love their country so much. It is not healthy and once the blanket is removed then it can cause big problems.

  Belcant, would things go any easier if you could afford to move into your own home, rather than living with your in-laws?









p.s.  Welcome to our house the Saloon

AMonk, it isn't always as simple as being able to afford your own place. In China it is expected that married children will live with their parents and the parents will take care of their grandchildren while the mom and dad are off working. This level of involvement from the in-laws is incredibly typical in a Chinese household and doesn't really have anything to do with whether the couple can afford their own house or not. Even if the couple bought their own, nicer place they'd be expected to invite the in-laws to come live with them. Moving out would probably cause quite a stir with the mother and father in law, who see it as their right and duty to raise their grandchild, and their daughter's duty to live with them and provide for them in their old age.

My in-laws are both dead and yet we still get comments from the neighbors all the time about how difficult it must be raising our kids "on our own" and living without the in-laws. For a family living in the same city as the MIL and FIL to choose to live on their own is not completely 100% unheard of, but I can guarantee moving out would ruffle some feathers that Belcant's wife might not be willing to ruffle.

AMonk yes it would but we cant afford it. Everyone assumes that foreigners are rich in China. Can u imagine paying off a bank dept with rmb? And who will look after the baby when the mother is at uni and the father is at work? Next years she will go to kindy so the bad influence with decrease I hope.

Unwarranted suspicion and jealousy. Having my emails, Facebook and bank accounts regularly trawled through: what did you spend that on, who is this person i don't know?
The control freak gene is highly dominant in Chinese women, IMHO.

Unwarranted suspicion and jealousy. Having my emails, Facebook and bank accounts regularly trawled through: what did you spend that on, who is this person i don't know?
The control freak gene is highly dominant in Chinese women, IMHO.

To me, that would be grounds to at least consider dumping her. Love, companionship, sex, and sometimes marriage are all great, but privacy counts too. I'll share quite a bit, but anyone looking at my emails without asking permission should expect serious consequences.

Pashley, being married for 12 years, having a son nearly that old, having considerable shared financial interests involving property and a humming small business are all factors here. I know where she's coming from culturally: my business is hers, if I have anything I consider "private" then I'm hiding something. She just can't understand how you and I view the need for a little bit of a personal life.

I've been married five years come June, and we have none of these problems. She isn't suspicious, I don't need to hide money, we share everything.

We argue about some differences of course, but no more than a normal couple. Just about different things, like the value of Chinese Doctors and why I don't want my daughter stuck in Chinese school all day at the age of 3.5.

And where's the bloody (substitute currently desired item). It seems that chinese people don't have "places" for things, so things like the stapler end up with the computer parts, for some reason. Or some random other place next week.