Having babies in China

The policy of only being a citizen of one country seems reasonable to me. What we have is a huge convenience based on the fact that most of us come from countries whose populations where made up of chiefly immigrants.

Hey guys, you may have seen my 'so... I'm engaged' thread.

well, things have escalated somewhat since then!

I found out I am going to be a father! We waited for 3 months in before we told anybody (standard procedure I understand)

The mixture of emotions is incredible...   still don't think it has quite sunk in, even though I've known for a couple of months.

The reason I'm announcing this is that I will no doubt be spamming this board in the coming months with questions for you knowledgeable Raoulers...  

I hope you don't mind  

Congratulations Arnold and mum to be. Hope all goes well. Life will never be the same again once you become responsible for a new life.

So you get to plan for a wedding and a baby at the same time.

Drink plenty of baijiu.  You're going to need it.

Congratulations Enjoy your life now...when the baby comes, there will be soooooo many things you won't be allowed to do, depending on the various folksy/old-timey/crazy theories that both sets of Chinese in-laws will pepper you with...

thanks guys 

depending on the various folksy/old-timey/crazy theories that both sets of Chinese in-laws will pepper you with...

Interesting!  Such as..?

The only one I've heard so far is that she won't be allowed to use air con after giving birth. That will be great fun at the height of summer...

Excellent article on E-China Cities, written by one of the greatest cultural thinkers of our time. 

Personally the section on in-laws and guilt from back home is starting to scare the poop out of me. I had a drunken conversation with my wife last night about just this topic.

The Challenge of Raising Dual Culture Kids in China

Raising children is never easy, no matter whether you're raising them in the United States, Australia, Norway or China. The challenges of raising children include sleepless nights, frets over illness, differing approaches to discipline, and stress over education – just to name a few. However, the challenges of childrearing multiply when your children are multicultural. Not only do you face the same issues that all parents face, you do so while balancing two cultures and their different expectations. You also face problems with language and education, with figuring out the right way to make multiculturalism more than just a catchphrase, but a way of life. Multicultural relationships are difficult in their own right, but multicultural parenting can be a minefield.

The Challenge of Raising Dual Culture Kids in China
Photo: ministry-to-children.com

Language

Any parent of Chinese-foreign children gets asked (repeatedly) about the child's language abilities. "So they speak your language too?" or "Is their English as good as their Chinese?" are some of the first questions that come out of strangers' mouths when they meet my children. In fact, raising bilingual children is not as easy as it is often assumed to be.

First there are the various approaches – do you use OPOL (One Parent One Language), in which each parents speaks his native language with the child, no matter what, or do you use MLAH (Minority Language At Home) in which there is a "home language" and an "outside language" and the language the family speaks with each other is whatever language is NOT spoken predominantly in that country?

Whatever approach you choose, it is not a given that your children will actually grow up bilingual, and contrary to popular belief, raising children bilingually is not always as easy as simply speaking both languages. As most parents of bilingual kids can attest to, cultivating two languages takes hard work and patience. Most children go through a period during which they reject the minority language in favour of the language that is spoken at school and with friends. Some reject the language permanently. Raising kids with two languages is totally worth it, but it is a challenge and it isn't as simple as many bystanders seem to think.

Education

Right along with language is choosing the right education for your multicultural child. This is especially a concern in Asian countries like China where the public education system is extremely different from its Western equivalents. Many foreign parents are not comfortable sending their children to schools where rote learning is prized over critical thinking. Further practical concerns might also exist over whether or not the local schools will even accept foreign passport holding children (this is especially true in smaller places where foreigners are rarer).

Many Chinese-foreign couples eventually migrate back to the foreign spouse's home country due to concerns over educational opportunities for the children. While China's educational system certainly has its advantages, it is also true that the system best prepares students for the university entrance exam and Chinese universities. If you hope for your child to attend a foreign university one day, no doubt the foreign school system will best prepare your child for that possibility.

International schools are another option, but for many multicultural families in China they remain prohibitively expensive. The question of education constantly hangs over our family's head, especially as my oldest child approaches grade-school age. How to educate our children is one of the biggest decisions that we will make as parents, and the pressure is huge not to blow it.

Still a foreigner in Chinese eyes

Even if we do make the decision to send our children to local schools and raise them in a more Chinese setting, if they have more foreign features, the chances of them being accepted as anything other than foreign are slim. My son, with pale skin and blonde hair to go with his big brown eyes, looks Asian enough to me, but to the general population he'll always be a "xiao laowai," a little foreigner.

Every time someone on the bus asks my son where he's from, I inwardly cringe. "I'm not from anywhere!" My son says, because after all, he's only four years-old and doesn't really "get" the concept of nationalities. He is starting to cope, however, with the idea that he's different, thanks to many a (well meaning but clueless) person pointing out that he's foreign or prodding their kids to practice their English on him.

Raising multicultural children in a largely monocultural country provides a unique set of difficulties and sometimes we wish we could shield our children from the reality that while they may feel Chinese, in the eyes of China they're still not the same. The fact that they can speak Chinese will always be a marvel, even though Chinese is their first language. Their blonde (or brown) hair will always delight. People will want to pose for pictures with them. When they are young and they don't understand it is easy to pretend this sort of attention is innocent but once your children start questioning their identity, it can be gut-wrenching as parents to watch as yet another person reaffirms the idea that they're a foreigner in their own country.

The in-laws

Of course some of the difficulties of raising children in two cultures come from our own families, rather than outside factors. Never are cultural clashes more apparent than when children are involved, and this is especially true when Chinese in-laws enter the picture.

Chinese grandparents are extraordinarily involved in the lives of their children and grandchildren, to an extent that might seem alarming and unnatural to a foreigner. Many grandparents expect to be able to make autonomous decisions regarding the rearing of children and will insert themselves into your daily life in a way that many foreigners will find suffocating. Many foreigners are surprised to discover that as soon as the baby is born, the mother-in-law moves in with the family – and never leaves.

On the other side of things, foreign families will often express dismay over the choice to stay in China, and the guilt can be laid on thick, and becomes even thicker once grandchildren are involved. Every year my family is pressured to make expensive and lengthy trips back to America. Very few families of four back home can take international vacations every year, but this is exactly what dual-culture families are expected to do yearly, sometimes biyearly. They might be sympathetic to the expense and the sacrifice, but they will never truly "get it." And if you decide to go to Thailand or Japan one year instead of visiting home, don't expect to hear the end of it, until the next trip home at least!

The joys

While the challenges of raising multicultural children in China are many, that doesn't mean that there aren't joys too. Chinese-foreign children will always have a link to two countries, which means two of many things – two languages, two cultures, two sets of holidays, two possibilities for employment in the future, etc. As the parents of multicultural children, we all hope that our kids will grow up to see their dual-heritages as blessings rather than burdens. In the end, although it is difficult on us as parents, raising strong and confident children, proud of being citizens of the world, is all that really matters.

  Arnold & MrsA

Many foreigners are surprised to discover that as soon as the baby is born, the mother-in-law moves in with the family – and never leaves.

I can categorically state that this will not happen!

Interesting article, thanks for posting 

Arnold & MrsA

Thanks! 

Very clever of you to make your own Ring Bearer. Should save some cash.

Congratulations!

To Arnold and the soon-to-be-Mrs. A: congratulations both on your wedding and the new little life that is growing.

To Arnold and the soon-to-be-Mrs. A: congratulations both on your wedding and the new little life that is growing.

Thanks a lot!

We just found out that...


It's a boy!!


We decided we would ask the sex at the ultrasound scan, but the doctor just volunteered the information without us even asking. She asked my my wife "when you talk about the baby, do you call him 'he' or 'she'?". She told the doctor that I always call the baby 'he' because I have a feeling it'll be a boy, so the doctor simply said "your husband is right.. it's a boy". I was pretty surprised by this, given the one child policy thing. It was surprising enough that they let me watch the ultrasound, as China seems to have a 1950s, no-men-allowed attitude to pregnancy checking and giving birth. Anyway, he's healthy, he has a strong heartbeat, and we recently started to feel him kick. In fact when I pushed him, he kicked me back. That's ma boy! 

Good news that all is well! Will you be allowed to attend the birth?