Jokes from my trashbin

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #750 on: November 12, 2009, 09:41:57 PM »
I apologise for this one in advance:

Johnny comes running into the living room.

"Dad! DAD!!! You wont believe what happened to me tonight! I had my first blow job!"

Dad looks a bit miffed "Uhh... that's great son, what did you think of it?"

"TASTED AWFUL!"
diagonally parked in a parallel universe

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George

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #751 on: November 17, 2009, 11:28:23 PM »
One for Raoul...
The higher they fly, the fewer!    http://neilson.aminus3.com/

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #752 on: November 18, 2009, 02:04:43 AM »
DON'T WANT TO PAY YOUR LATE FEES?

http://www.27bslash6.com/blockbuster.html

From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 8 November 2009 2.16pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: DVDs

Dear Megan,

Thank you for your letter regarding overdue fees. As all four movies were outstanding examples of modern cinematic masterpieces, your assumption that I would wish to retain them in my possession is understandable, but incorrect. Please check your records as these movies were returned, on time, over three weeks ago. I remember specifically driving there and having my offspring run them in due to the fact that I was wearing shorts and did not want the girl behind the counter to see my white hairy legs.

Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11.09am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: DVDs

Hi David

Our computer system indicates otherwise. Please recheck and get back to me.

Kind regards,
Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11.36am
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

Yes, they are definitely white and hairy. Viewed from the knees down, the similarity to two large albino caterpillars in parallel formation is frightening. People who knew what the word meant might describe them as 'piliferous', although there is something quite sexy about that word so perhaps they wouldn't.

Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 1.44pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Hi David

No I mean our records indicate that the DVDs have not been returned. Please check and return as soon as possible.

Kind regards,
Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 4.19pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

With the possible exception of Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, the movies were not worth watching let alone stealing. In Logan's Run, for example, the computer crashed at the end when presented with conflicting facts and blew up destroying the entire city. When my computer crashes I carry on a little bit and have a cigarette while it is rebooting. I don't have to search through rubble for my loved ones. The same programmers probably designed the Blockbuster 'returned or not' database. Also, while one would assume the title Journey to the Centre of the Earth to be a metaphor, the movie was actually set in the centre of the earth which, being a solid core of iron with temperatures exceeding 4300˚ Celcius and pressures of 3900 tons per square centimetre, does not seem very likely. Waterworld was actually pretty good though. My favourite bit was when they were on the water but the scene when Kevin Costner negotiated for peace, ending the war between fish and mankind moments before the whale army attacked was also very good.

Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 3.57pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

David

The DVDs are listed as not returned. If you cant locate the DVDs, you will be charged for the replacement cost.

Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 5.12pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

I have checked pricing at the DVD Warehouse and the cost of replacing your lost movies with new ones is as follows:

Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $7.95
Waterworld $4.95
Journey to the Centre of the Earth $9.95
Logan's Run $12.95

I have no idea why Logan's Run is the most expensive of the four movies as it was definitely the worst. Have you seen it? I wouldn't pay $12.95 for that. I would use the money to buy a good movie instead. Probably something with Steven Seagal in it. The entire premise comprised of living a utopian and carefree lifestyle with only three drawbacks - wearing seventies jumpsuits, living in what looks like a giant shopping centre and not being allowed to live past thirty. This would seem logical though as I would not want a bunch of old people hanging around complaining about their arthritis while I am trying to relax at the shopping centre in my jumpsuit trying not to think about the computer crashing.

I was recently forced to do volunteer work at an aged care hospital. Footage of these people during Tuesday night line dancing could be used as an advertisement for the Logan's Run solution. The only good aspect of working there was that I halved their medication, pocketing and selling the remainder, explaining the computer listed that as their dose and they were welcome to check knowing their abject fear of anything produced after the eighteenth century would prevent them from doing so. I also swapped my Sanyo fourteen inch portable television for their Panasonic wide screen plasma while they were sleeping, explaining that it had always been that way and their senility was simply playing up due to the reduced dosage of drugs.

Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 1.21pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Hi David

I have not seen those movies so I dont know what you are talking about. I prefer romantic comedies. If you have the movies we can't rent them so we lose money and the fees are based on what we we would have made from renting them and we also have to purchase movies through our suppliers not from DVD Warehouse.

Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 3.28pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

I myself am also a huge fan of romantic comedies. Perhaps we could watch one together. I have a new Panasonic wide screen plasma. My favourite romantic comedy is Fatal Instinct although it did not contain enough robots or explosions in my opinion and I was therefore unable to truly identify with the main characters on a personal and emotional level. Recently, I was tricked into watching The Notebook which was about geese. Lots of geese. It also had something to do with an old lady who conveniently lost her memory so she could not remember being a whore throughout the entire film. I don't recall a lot of it as I was too busy being cross about watching it. In a utopian future society she would have been hunted down and killed at thirty.

In regards to the late fees, I understand the amount is based on what you lose by not being able to rent the movies out. You probably had people lined up around the block waiting to rent Logan's Run. For eighty two dollars though, I could have purchased six copies of it from DVD Warehouse or, as I have heard he is a bit strapped for cash, had Kevin Costner visit my house in person and re-enact key scenes from Waterworld in my bathroom.

Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Thursday 12 November 2009 3.16pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Hi David.
Restocking fees are:

002190382 Journey to the Centre of the Earth $9.30
003103119 Logans Run $7.90
008629103 Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $6.30
000721082 Waterworld $5.70

Total: $29.20 - I have deleted your late fees and noted on the computer that the amount owed is for the replacement movies not fees.

Kind regards,
Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 12 November 2009 7.42pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

Those prices seem reasonable. I do not want Logan's Run but will pick up the other three when I come in next.

Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

What? The $29.20 is the cost of the replacement DVDs for the store.

Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 1.15pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

That makes more sense, I was wondering what I was going to do with two copies of each movie.

Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2.33pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

What do you mean by two copies? Are you saying you found the four movies?

Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2.57pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

Yes, they were on top of my fridge the whole time. Unfortunately I have a blind spot that prevents me from seeing this area of the kitchen as it is also where I keep my pile of unpaid bills. Luckily, due to my air conditioner being broken and the outside temperature exceeding that of the centre of the earth

Last night I slept on the kitchen floor with the fridge door open due to my air conditioner being broken and the temperature outside exceeding that of the centre of the earth. As my fridge emits a high pitched 'beep' every thirty seconds when left open, the vibrations from this caused the DVDs to wriggle forward over the space of many hours before toppling from the edge and I awoke to find them beside me on the pillow. As you have already waived the late fees, I will drop them off tonight and we will call it even.

Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 3.43pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Ok.
10 easy steps to stop procrastination.

1.

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Bugalugs

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #753 on: November 25, 2009, 12:26:00 AM »
Puns for Intellectuals
1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in N Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much-and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5. A three-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!"

9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ... what? (This is so bad it's good...) a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11. And finally... There was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did!
Good girls are made from sugar and spice, I am made from Vodka and ice

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Bugalugs

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  • If we are what we eat, I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #754 on: November 25, 2009, 12:35:11 AM »
Rules for editing your writing
Here is a new set of rules for editing your writing.


1.   Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2.   Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3.   And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4.   It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5.   Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6.   Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7.   Be more or less specific.

8.   Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9.   Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10.   No sentence fragments.

11.   Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12.   Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13.   Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14.   One should NEVER generalize.

15.   Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16.   Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

17.   One-word sentences? Eliminate.

18.   Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

19.   The passive voice is to be ignored.

20.   Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

21.   Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

22.   Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

23.   Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

24.   Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

25.   If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

26.   Puns are for children, not groan readers.

27.   Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

28.   Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

29.   Who needs rhetorical questions?

30.   Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And the last one... 31.   Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Good girls are made from sugar and spice, I am made from Vodka and ice

Do you have and ID Ten T error??

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Bugalugs

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  • If we are what we eat, I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #755 on: November 25, 2009, 12:40:38 AM »
James Bond walks into a bar...
A very confident James Bond walks into the English bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, " It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
Good girls are made from sugar and spice, I am made from Vodka and ice

Do you have and ID Ten T error??

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kitano

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #756 on: November 25, 2009, 12:54:13 AM »
i went to the doctor yesterday cos i have a stomachache and he said

'you are going to have to stop masturbating'

i asked him why and he said

'because i'm trying to examine you'

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Bugalugs

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  • If we are what we eat, I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #757 on: November 25, 2009, 12:58:04 AM »
A CHEAP HMO
TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO


10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.


9. Directions to your doctor's office include "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.


7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.


6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day."


5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.


4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.


3. The only expense that's covered 100% is embalming.


2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "m's" on them.



And the #1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO:

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
Good girls are made from sugar and spice, I am made from Vodka and ice

Do you have and ID Ten T error??

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Escaped Lunatic

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #758 on: November 25, 2009, 02:39:50 AM »

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.


Odd.  Most insurance plans I've been on seem to have that provision.   llllllllll
I'm pro-cloning and we vote!               Why isn't this card colored green?
EscapedLunatic.com

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #759 on: November 25, 2009, 03:00:07 AM »
Rules for editing your writing
Here is a new set of rules for editing your lesson plans writing.

bugs baby, you just wrote one of my lesson plans for nest week  akakakakak akakakakak akakakakak
For you to insult me, first I must value your opinion

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Bugalugs

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  • If we are what we eat, I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #760 on: November 26, 2009, 05:17:36 AM »
Your welcome DD am glad to be of assistance



Beer Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.



SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training, make dog's owner buy you a beer.



SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.



SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.



SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.



SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.



SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.



SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.



SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.



SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth.



SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

FAULT: You are dancing on the table.

ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.



SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.

FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

ACTION: Punch him.



SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

FAULT: You have been in a fight.

ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.



SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.

FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.

ACTION: See if they have free beer.



SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.

FAULT: The beer is too weak.

ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.



SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.

FAULT: Beer is just right.

ACTION: Play air guitar.



SYMPTOM: Bed unusually hard, and full of trash and cold water.

FAULT: You slept in the gutter again.

ACTION: Treat yourself to a sleep-in until the bars open again.
Good girls are made from sugar and spice, I am made from Vodka and ice

Do you have and ID Ten T error??

*

Bugalugs

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  • 1539
  • If we are what we eat, I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #761 on: November 26, 2009, 05:28:34 AM »
Old Chinese Proverbs
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell very different to midget.
Good girls are made from sugar and spice, I am made from Vodka and ice

Do you have and ID Ten T error??

*

harry_aus

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #762 on: December 05, 2009, 06:14:41 PM »
Patient: "doctor, please help me - I can't stop
singing The Green Green Grass of Home"!
Doctor: "hmmm....sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome"

Patient: "Is it common?"
Doctor:  "It's not unusual"

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #763 on: December 05, 2009, 10:53:41 PM »
My favourite joke of all time:

What's the most difficult thing about rollerskating?


































Telling your parents you're gay.  aoaoaoaoao ababababab
diagonally parked in a parallel universe

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Bugalugs

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  • If we are what we eat, I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #764 on: December 07, 2009, 11:41:04 PM »
Useful Tidbits
Next time you find yourself running dry on interesting tidbits of conversational matter ...


Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
Good girls are made from sugar and spice, I am made from Vodka and ice

Do you have and ID Ten T error??