Jokes from my trashbin

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George

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #765 on: December 07, 2009, 11:57:35 PM »
Quote
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

But one after the other, is OK!
The higher they fly, the fewer!    http://neilson.aminus3.com/

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #766 on: December 08, 2009, 03:37:43 AM »
Travel list - add Guam

Note to self, strike out Bolivia
For you to insult me, first I must value your opinion

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Pashley

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #767 on: December 08, 2009, 03:42:27 AM »
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

What sex was the sheep?

Why female, of course. There's nothing queer about Sir Harold!
Who put a stop payment on my reality check?

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Pashley

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #768 on: December 08, 2009, 03:48:21 AM »
My favorite poster, in a bar in Ottawa. I've never managed to find it for sale anywhere. If anyone does, please get me a copy.

Large poster, broken up into small squares. The caption is "The Tarts of Toronto". Most squares contain pictures of elaborately over-decorated baked goods, heavy on the whipped cream, sliced fruit, etc. The others have pictures of elaborately over-decorated women. heavy on the make-up, lace and jewellery.
Who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #769 on: December 09, 2009, 03:23:38 PM »
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven,a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heart throb noticed her overly attentive stare and
walked directly toward her. (As any man would.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely,
he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment,
and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse,
which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes,
barely concealing her anticipation and excitement,
and slowly and meaningfully said....
 
"Clean my house."
 


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Escaped Lunatic

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #770 on: December 09, 2009, 03:51:38 PM »
I was expecting kinky, but that was so sick and disgusting.  aoaoaoaoao aoaoaoaoao aoaoaoaoao
I'm pro-cloning and we vote!               Why isn't this card colored green?
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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #771 on: December 10, 2009, 02:53:26 AM »
Its an off shoot from Henny Youngman's act. He went through the same things where the woman seductively said, "I'll do anything for $20" Remember, this was about 40 years ago. His punchline was "I took her home and made her paint my house!"
For you to insult me, first I must value your opinion

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Pashley

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #772 on: December 10, 2009, 03:21:35 AM »
Student/teacher version. Prof in his office, lovely young lass comes in, closes the door, acts sultry, ends up kneeling beside his chair, hand on his thigh, gazing up into his eyes, saying "You know, I'd do /anything/ to pass this course." He gazes back, "Would you ...... study?"
Who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #773 on: December 10, 2009, 06:54:55 AM »
Just to change the channel . . .

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag.

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said Father, I'm cold. He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket, and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, Father, I'm still very cold. He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, Father, I'm sooooo cold. This time, he remained there and said, Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married.

The nun said, That's fine by me.




To which the priest yelled out, get up and get your own fucking blanket!

For you to insult me, first I must value your opinion

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kitano

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #774 on: December 10, 2009, 07:03:24 AM »
man goes to doctors

'doctor i think im going deaf!'

'can you describe the symptoms for me please?'

'yeah, homers bald and fat and marge has blue hair'

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harry_aus

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #775 on: December 14, 2009, 02:28:20 AM »
Limericks -
"The odd thing about Cecil Rhodes..."
 "Was his fondness for natterjack toads..."
 "He'd eat them alive..."
 "Sometimes three, four or five..."
"Hence his need for enormous commodes!"

and one of my own:-

"I once saw my China recruiter
ride past on her costly new scooter,

I asked for more money,
but she said "you so funny,"
"and back home you'll go, as a neuter!"

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George

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #776 on: December 22, 2009, 10:56:15 AM »




Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination in England.

These are genuine answers from 16 year olds, not very bright, but entertaining, 16 year olds.



Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs



Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
The higher they fly, the fewer!    http://neilson.aminus3.com/

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Escaped Lunatic

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #777 on: December 22, 2009, 04:37:32 PM »
These are genuine answers from 16 year olds, not very bright, but entertaining, 16 year olds.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

This one seems imminently logical.
I'm pro-cloning and we vote!               Why isn't this card colored green?
EscapedLunatic.com

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George

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #778 on: December 23, 2009, 12:25:14 AM »
Co-incidentally, along similar lines, a couple of my kids today were spouting memorised lines from something, when one asked me.."John, what is Hoover Dam? It's a bad word isn't it?"
So I had to explain all about vacuum cleaners, etc.
The higher they fly, the fewer!    http://neilson.aminus3.com/

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Pashley

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #779 on: December 23, 2009, 02:25:04 AM »
"... what is Hoover Dam? ..." So I had to explain all about vacuum cleaners, etc.

Microsoft are buying the Hoover company. Next year they will release the first Microsoft product that doesn't suck.

They also plan to purchase Pfizer Pharmaceuticals. Viagra will be re-branded as Microhard, and it ill stop working unless you buy the updates.
Who put a stop payment on my reality check?