Jokes from my trashbin

Bobby Robson RIP was the best for talking rubbish

“Home advantage gives you an advantage.“

“In a year's time, he's a year older.”

"They've probably played better than they've ever done for a few weeks."

“I'm not going to look beyond the semi-final - but I would love to lead Newcastle out at the final.”

“Maybe not goodbye, but farewell.”

“Home advantage gives you an advantage.“

“In a year's time, he's a year older.”

"Gary Speed has never played better, never looked fitter, never been older."

“If you count your chickens before they've hatched, they won't lay an egg in the basket”

“He has four lungs and two hearts – no doubt about it.”

"The first ninety minutes of a football match are the most important.”

"Look at those olive trees! They're 200 years old - from before the time of Christ."

“I would have given my right arm to be a pianist.”

Sir Bobby to Bryan Robson: “Good morning, Bobby.”
Bryan: “You’re Bobby, I’m Bryan!”

“Titus looks like Tyson when he strips off in the dressing-room, except he doesn't bite. And he has a great tackle."

"They can't be monks - we don't want them to be monks, we want them to be football players because a monk doesn't play football at this level."

"We're taking 22 players to Italy, sorry, to Spain... where are we, Jim?"

“I would have given my right arm to be a pianist.”

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.   

CLASSIC COMMENTATOR QUOTES
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." -Ron Atkinson

Excellent stuff.  Just what i needed to forget the spoilt brats that i had to tolerate this afternoon.   

Reminds me of the classic Yogi Berra-isms:

"Nobody goes there anymore.  It's too crowded"
"It gets late early out there"
"The future ain't what it used to be"
"Half the lies they tell about me aren't true"
"It's déjà vu all over again"

Got to add a sports-announcer gaffe I was privileged to actually witness. Some years ago a Headline News announcer opened the NBA coverage with "Well, Bob, the Suns went down on the Celtics last night..."

I recall when Carlos Boozer was sent off to the Utah Jazz. Listening to his press conference, he said he couldn't wait to get there, "I hear Utah is a great city"

 

There was an announcer on an Ottawa radio station decades back reading a story on the local debutantes' Coming Out Ball at the Ottawa Hunt Club. He replaced the "H" with a "K" sound. They fired him, not so much for the slip as that he broke up afterward, chuckling wildly into a live mike.

murray walker was another genius at being a fucking terrible sports commentator who was a nice bloke

'unless i'm very much mistaken...which i am...

kitano, is that anything like,

"If I could say just a few words, I'd be a better speaker"

And that just shows you how important the car is in Formula One Racing.

Eight minutes past the hour here in Belgium - and presumably eight minutes past the hour everywhere in the world.

Either the car is stationary, or it's on the move.

Even in five years time, he will still be four years younger than Damon Hill.

He can't decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed.

I can't believe what's happening visually, in front of my eyes.

I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.

I should imagine that the conditions in the cockpit are totally unimaginable.

There's nothing wrong with the car except that it's on fire.

With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go.

You might not think that's cricket, and it's not, it's motor racing.

Yogi Berra is a genius. Even if he didn't say half the things he said.


A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. 

Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.

Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious. 

How can you think and hit at the same time?

I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.

I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary.   

I never said most of the things I said. 

I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.

I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question.   

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's gonna stop 'em.

If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be. 

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it. 

In baseball, you don't know nothing. 

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. 

It ain't over till it's over. 

It ain't the heat, it's the humility. 

It gets late early out there. 

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much. 

It's like deja-vu, all over again. 

It's pretty far, but it doesn't seem like it.   

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.   

The future ain't what it used to be.

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win. 

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em.

We have deep depth.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

You can observe a lot by just watching.   

You wouldn't have won if we'd beaten you.

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.

Milwaukee's Bob Uecker has had a few.

"How do you catch a knuckleball? Wait until it stops rolling, then go to the backstop and pick it up."

"I won the Comeback of the Year Award five years in a row!"

"That triple-play sorta took us out of the inning"

"I set records that will never be equaled. In fact, I hope 90% of them don't even get printed."

"When I came up to bat with three men on and two outs in the ninth, I looked in the other team's dugout and they were already in street clothes."

"People don't know this but I helped the Cardinals win the pennant. I came down with hepatitis. The trainer injected me with it."

"I hit a grand slam off Ron Herbel and when his manager Herman Franks came out to get him, he was bringing Herbel's suitcase."
 

I love Uecker, unfortunately he is not well. He mastered the art of self deprication from the Rodney Dangerfield School of No Resect

I remember Uecker reaclling the ceremony wherein he received his World Series ring: "They threw mine into right field.  I found it in the fourth inning."

SAD News  -- I don't usually pass on news like this, because I know how
busy you are. Sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is all about. So I will pass on this sad, sad news..

There was a great loss today in the entertainment world.  The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.  What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.  They'd put his left leg in, and...well, you know the rest.