Jokes from my trashbin

Poor guy.  You'd think he'd gave gotten at least 3 beers before it started.

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

   1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
   2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
   3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
   4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
   5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
   6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
   7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
   8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
   9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
  10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
  13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
  16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
  17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
  18. Honk and wave to strangers.
  19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
  20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  21. type only in lowercase.
  22. dont use any punctuation either
  23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
      "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
      "What?"
      "Never mind, it's gone now."
  25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
  27. Ask people what gender they are.
  28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  30. Sing along at the opera.
  31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

Then there was the woman, married to an older man whose sexual prowess was waning, who went off to the doctor for a potion to liven him up a bit. He gave her something to put in his beverage, guaranteed to work, needs only a drop.

She came back a week or so later, wanting more. She explained that she'd decided "What the hell." and used three drops, just to be sure.

"Wow! It really worked well. We were having dinner, and he just ripped the tablecloth off the table, tore my clothes off and had me right on the table."

"Great, but what about the crockery?"

"Well, we'll never go to that restaurant again."

Ever wonder where one of our pet phrases comes from?  Well, I have the answer.  It originates on the calendar.



MONDAY
TUESDAY










W  T  F  !?!

Maria the maid asks the lady of the house, Joan, for a raise and gets a firm "No".

Maria: I deserve more money. I'm a much better cook than you are.
Joan: What makes you think that?
Maria: Your husband told me so. Also, I'm a better housekeeper.
Joan: I suppose he told you that as well?
Maria: Yes, ma'm.
Joan: Well, it doesn't matter. I am still not prepared to pay you more.

Maria: You know, ma'm, I'm also much better in bed than you are.
Joan: What! Did my husband tell you that too?
Maria: No, that was Fred, the gardener.
Joan: How much of a raise were you thinking of Maria?

this is pretty impressive. a computer student 'rickrolled' his professor with an essay (check the first word on each line)



http://www.geekosystem.com/the-rickrolling-essay/

Read the paper. It's bad enough that the prof will be too busy to notice the rickrolling. 

I used to putting in things like "If you are really reading this paper, please circle this sentence." into class assignments like that.

I had a boss who got lazy checking out edits I'd done on things for him.  I found that occasionally slipping in something like "Mongolian Cluster F***" greatly improved his attention to detail.

I had a boss who got lazy checking out edits I'd done on things for him.  I found that occasionally slipping in something like "Mongolian Cluster F***" greatly improved his attention to detail.

I was in a meeting once where someone complained that they had far too much paperwork, always writing reports that they doubted their boss, Fred, ever read. Both Fred and the Big Boss were at the meeting.

The big boss's suggestion: Insert "Fred blows dead bears." in the middle of a long paragraph. If he's reading your reports, he'll get back to you.

Did it work? 

We are forced told to do lesson plans at the private school and its mandatory. Every other week or so I write in, "XXX is a lazy ass" to see if they are actually reading them. Sometimes, I'll mix them up, i.e. the kinder's vocabulary is at an adult level and vicy versy   


No one has ever said a thing

Cleaning email. Found this from 2006.

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas , orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.  One is in Australia , the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas .  When we all left Wyoming , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together.  So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.  The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.  He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs!

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.  When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains...

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Two friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a largetelescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her........He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for just wounding somebody?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always mouthing off, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his cock off, that will teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Well, are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'