Will I ever be normal again?

I do not want to sound like a pig. Nor do I wish to belittle anyone. I just am trying to figure out what I can do in order to feel back to myself again.

When I first came to China in 2002, the final move, I had no clue about yellow fever.
Some of you know I was married then divorced here behind the great wall. At least I got over that.

Directly speaking, I have been, as most, spoiled badly by Chinese females. I, being a man of rock and roll, did not mind this, however, in retrospect, it has left me with some very horrible coping skills.

I cannot seem to find a ground on which to stand on. Meaning I am totally commit-a-phobic.

I try my very best to hide myself from those types of girls/women who are out to get me.

I do not want to brag or suggest that Chinese females are bad women. in fact, I think the opposite.

However, the lifestyle of the "average" laowai seems to follow a stereotype of enjoying his life to the fullest with a personal harem.

yea sure for a man this is a good thing however, i found now that at my age of 44 it is just too bothersome.

but on the other hand, I am trying really hard to figure out how to withstand and develop and water my current relationship of 2 years with a very nice fujian girl.

but, in my gut, i can't stand it. I do not know why.

I do not believe it is merely just being in china and the game of switching and new ones are easily attained, but perhaps I am just not the type for commitment.

your input?

You've been in China since 2002 and want to know if you'll ever be normal again?  Too late!  Normalcy is something you abandoned a long time ago.

The fact that you are considering settling down is a sign that maybe you aren't destined to spend your life forever adrift in the sea of Chinese hotties, but will indeed pick one to permanently lavish your attentions on.

Yes, if you want to date, beautiful girls are very abundant here.  Still, there's more to a long term relationship than a pretty face.  There are well over half a billion Chinese girls I'd be very happy to go on a date with, but that doesn't mean I'd want to marry all of them.

First, look at your lovely Fujian lass and consider if you want to wake up next to her for the next 30-60 years.  (OK, a pretty face is one factor to think about: Do you think her mother and/or maternal aunts are pretty?)  Beyond beauty, can you imagine having her with you all the time, forever.  If you can't picture being with her for life, she may be wonderful, but may not be the right one for you. 

Another possibility to consider - maybe she's right for you, but maybe now isn't quite yet the time in your life to make the commitment.  If you think this may be the case, the worry is that she may decide to not wait around for you.

Well said. I guess I should be used to the abnormal life I led for so long and have abandoned the USA. So, that is why I feel out of touch. I am out of the USA and afloat in a sea of confusion in China.

Well, I think I have a solution for that.

As far as the girl, she is good, but not as pretty as I would like, however, I consider character more important because I've had hotties that just could not cut it on character. And grew bored with them quickly. However, I just think that I am afraid of commitment.

i think once I get out of Beijing I can figure out what is best. Because for now, i just sit in a sea of cars and people which I hate. But im not going to just bail out on jobs, students and friends without a good deal of preparation.

but i do dislike beijing. Fuzhou may not be a good choice either. I, obviously, have my head up my ass on several key issues.

ha!! oh well.

well as fate would have it. Since, this is on my mind along with work, relocation. It all came to head yesterday.

I had some odd dream that she left me for jacky chan. don't ask me why him. hahah

anyway, we talked after a blow out fight and i out of pure need to keep her and with all the ups and downs with indecision decides impulsively to just decide

1. Will move to her hometown of Fuzhou
2. Will remain in beijing 1 final year. Finalize works, friends and remove the piles of useless crap i accumulated within 8 years.
3. decided that she really is good for me and i should not worry about all the rest of the external noise in my head about yadayadayada..

so i want to thank my fellow saloon friends for listening to my whining.


should prove to be an interesting year because what happened was in the morning, she told me she was offered a good job back in her hometown and it really is better for her there and since I hate beijing and we had fought about this and that also, i just said enough!! lets move to fuzhou. problem solved..

yea right!!

she's going back to her hometown for now and get things set up. ill come after.

sound like I have done it in a chinese way?

Well, one good thing anyway...spending time in Fuzhou may well give you a greater appreciation for Beijing.

Meanwhile, "normal" is a highly subjective, ephemeral, and over-rated phenomenon. I'm not sure it even exists anymore.
And it can be much worse going the other way. After over 2 years back Stateside, I still find myself breaking into a big grin when I encounter Asian people...because they're the only ones who look, well, normal.

And, of course, among many other distinctions I am The Official International Poster Child For NOT Marrying The Chinese^TM. You probably don't want to hear what I been through...and probably wouldn't believe it if you did.

she's going back to her hometown for now and get things set up. ill come after.

sound like I have done it in a chinese way?

I reckon. Normal as most things in China.

Though I have known Chinese couples (teachers) who are married but have lived in different cities for 10+ years. It is possible that that situation is 'more normal.'

@raoul
perhaps you would recall that I got married a long time ago here and divorced too. Sure I know that this is where it is heading but the choice to leave beijing doesn't fully equate marriage. She's a good girl and I should not just give it up.

I will go there and see how it goes. thats all i can do.
I would like to hear about your marriage experiences.

pm me dude.

@xwarrior:
seems that living in different cities is more common than back in the states. I never really heard of it before back home.

seems that living in different cities is more common than back in the states

I do not know the numbers but it is common enough to no longer surprise me. To some extent it is a carry over from the old days (like from the 1980's), when movement to other cities and jobs was restricted, so it is more likely to be found in the middle-aged I think.

A high school teacher in Guangzhou said that he had been sending his money home to his wife and kid for 12 years. He had been able to get a job teaching in Guangzhou but back then his family could not relocate. He went back to his home in Anhui in the holidays.

Another high school teacher married a former student. She went on to become a top academic and accepted a professorship at a university in Hunan. He is unable to get a position in a school there. They see each other in the holidays.

Quite a number these days have a husband or wife studying overseas. A woman, who taught at a former college of mine, spent 5 years in New Zealand before returning to domestic duties. 

I am not sure that living in the same city makes it any easier for some. Times might have changed but 8 years ago a friend of mine married a secretary who worked for a big company in Guangzhou. Although they owned an apartment she had to live in a company dormitory for 6 days of the week because her contract required her to be on-call 24hrs a day. They saw each on Sunday - when she had the day off.   

   

Hey Tuco,

I was really just saying MY experience was beyond horrible...and continues to be, as my divorce case goes into its 3rd year. I'm a strong advocate of being very, very careful with marriage in China.

I didn't forget your earlier experience, and I certainly wouldn't just assume you're headed for what I got in your 2nd try. I've seen some cases where things work out...not too many, but enough to show it can be done.

If I were in China, and met the right lady, I'm probably goofy enough to do it again.

3rd year? wow its a very long case. my only divorce lasted about 2 hours in court and was granted very quickly.

im not even thinking about that mostly, just trying to give myself the chance to think and possibly be having someone other than a playmate around. its not a bad thing but i will not do it anytime soon.

there are, as most relationships,things to be aired out and i am not so quick to jump into it again.

there will be some break time for us coming soon. i can think clearly when im alone.

Sounds like you got yer head on pretty straight, my friend.

That's more than a lot of guys in China can say...

Having your head on straight is no help here. I figure the trick is having your head on at more or less the right angle, rotating and wobbling at more or less right frequency, and bobbling up and down at just the right time to pass for normal here

I try to but nevertheless, I tend to think that this was all bascically due to yellow fever.
and is it gone? mostly, I mean now if i were to even consider it again, it would have to be someone really kick ass.

but back to reality. it just doesn't work for me anymore. i find that most girls here in Beijing are just out for something other than  a real relationship.

i keep coming across these posts written by angry chinese netizens complaining how bad the laowai are here and that we should be blah blah and I just guessed that she is right however, we are weak and absent minded people. we don't have that much appeal to create a harem of etc etc.

anyway , yea things are going ok. just settling back into work and trying to get that going.

I personally recommend against 2 city marriages.  If you want to try, I recommend a 2 city engagement or even a 2 city going steady for at least a few months first.